Whore With A Heart

Guess who made a plonker of themselves........

2012-01-04T23:33:00.004Z

The last time I had any sex in my private life was back in the summer. I had a very brief casual fling with a young man, who one day suddenly vanished and I never heard from him again. No loss really, it wasn't going to go anywhere and the appeal was starting to wear off. Since then I have been so bloody busy with uni that I have not even had the inclination or the energy to have any titillation in my private life.

However, there are few guys at my gym who are nice to look at so I have tended to get my thrills by sneakily oggling them. There is one guy in particular who I noticed when I first joined the gym, early last year. What first caught my eye was his lovely firm bum, but I was not that impressed when he turned around; he looked a bit rough. He had some tatoos on his arms, which I don't really like and he looked a bit weather beaten. However, over the course of the last year I couldn't help notice what a gorgeous body he had; really firm and muscular - just how a like my men.

Recently I have seen him quite a lot when visiting the gym and I noticed that he kept looking at me. So like one does, you assume the person must fancy you. We never spoke, just exchanged glances. Just before Xmas I saw him there and he was doing his usual glancing over at me and I had this urge to give him my number. I went as far as borrowing a pen from the reception area and writing my number down on a piece of bog roll, but before I managed to muster up the courage and do it, he had left.

My first visit to the gym in the New Year was on bank holiday Monday and I had woken up that morning feeling really randy (I guess if I were a man I would have woken up with a hard on) and all I could think about was cock. So off I went to the gym and guess who was there, Mr Muscles. So I am back to thinking about slipping him my mobile number again, but I just didn't know if I would have the balls to do it. The gym was really busy this day - which is typical after the festive periods when everyone decides to get fit and lose the weight they put on eating shit. So, I go and get another pen from reception, find a bit of paper this time and write, 'Happy New Year', followed by my number and my name. I walk back upstairs, where he is sitting on an exercise bike, slide up next to him and just give him the piece of paper. I didn't say a word and just quickly walked away as I saw him unfolding the piece of paper.

After a few minutues he gets up and walks over in my direction, where I am using one of the weight machines, and I just look at the floor and pray that he doesn't say anything to me. I felt embarrassed enough about being so bold in the first place. He stood next to me with his back towards me for about 30 secs, just hovering. He then turn around and says 'Hi (my name). You are a gorgeous young girl (young? ha, specsavers me thinks) and I am really flattered but I am a married man'. OMG, did I feel like a real plonker. It never really occured to me he would be married. To me he looked divorced, although I really have no idea why I thought that. He then reached towards me, gave me a kiss on the cheek and said happy new year. All I wanted to do at this stage was walk away because I had this notion that everyone in the gym was looking at me and new what I had done. So I just said, 'well if you get bored, text me', to which he laughed and I walked off.

I have not been back to they gym since. Not because I am avoiding it, just been too busy as I went back to uni on Tuesday and it is had been non stop stress ever since. 3 bloody assignments to complete by the 23rd Jan and I have not even started 2 of them. It was 4 but I finished one over Xmas and it took me much longer to do than anticipated.

Anyway, I am not sure how I am going to act when I next see him. I am not going to ignore him because despite his rejection of me, sob, I actually really appreciate his honesty and committment to his marriage, a rarity in this day and age. In a strange way, it has made me want him more, although I have no intention of pursuing the matter further. Although to be honest I didn't want to date him, it was just his body I was after, heh heh. I still cannot believe I did what I did, but if you don't ask, you don't get. I wouldn't ever do it again though. What does puzzle me though, there are supposed to be all these millions of single people now living in the UK, but where the fuck are they? Not at my gym, that's for sure.

Hello good people, of planet earth

2011-12-27T16:46:00.002Z

Did everyone have a lovely Xmas? Was it worth all the stress and expense? Did Santa bring you the things on your Christmas list?

This year I spent Christmas in Wales with my sister, her partner and my nephew. I set off at 5am Christmas Eve, as I wanted to make sure I avoided the all the crazy people who go away over the Christmas period, which included me this year. I did have a really nice time. It was lovely to see the donkeys and the dogs again, not so much my sister, ha ha. Nah, she's ok, but I think she got the Genes for a 'boring' person and I got the Genes for smart, witty, good looking, vivacious and of course, modesty.

One of my plans, while I was there, was to take her dogs for a walk along the beach. Sis clearly didn't want me to but her partner and my nephew decided it was a good idea so the 3 of us set of to the coast yesterday, with the stinky dogs; while my sister stayed at home with her headache. I love the sea. Not too keen on sand and salty water, but love the sound of the waves. I discovered that my boots are not waterproof and you will still get sand down your bra, even if you are fully clothed and only paddle in the sea with your boots on.

The dogs loved it and the humans loved it. The one thing that would have made the day perfect is little tea house where we could have had a warm cup of tea and jam and cream scones. Instead we settled for a cup of home made tea and a slice of my mums fruit cake, when we returned home.

Left to come back home this morning at 6am. Thank the lord I had my nephew with me coming back. If it had not been for his inane chatting all the way home I think I would have fallen asleep at the wheel.

And now it's back to the grindstone and assingments and all that jazz. Pffffft.

Soooooooooooooo tired today.

2011-11-13T15:36:00.004Z

That's not me by the way, although I reckon I'll look similar by the time I finish this degree. Just done two very long shifts and feel like a zombie. I was going riding this morning and had to leave at 10am, but my eyes didn't open until 9.30. Just had time for one cuppa, quick change into my riding gear and out the door.

Had a lovely ride though, such a beautiful day, for a change. My horse was a little pickle, she was getting so excited and hopping all over the place and really testing my riding skills.

Back to my tiredness. I am in again tomorrow, just for a few hours then again on Tue. I am losing all track of time. I keep thinking today is Saturday, because I was in yesterday. If it were not for the fact I have to be aware of the date at work, I probably would not even know what month or year it was. I can't wait to get back to uni because I am so fed up working such long hours. I'm becoming even more of a moany old cow and just want to moan and moan about everything. I actually find what I am doing quite boring which really annoys me because I seem to find everything work related boring. But then again I wouldn't not want to work, because I would find that boring too.

I have two assignments to finish in a weeks time. I have sort of finished them, just need to tidy them up and sort out my references, but there never seems time to really get down and just do it. Then yesterday I bumped into a uni class mate and we were just telling each other what we have written about. She then tells me that I should include this theory in one of my essays, which I haven't done. But I have used up all my work limit, so this now means I am going to have to go back and change stuff. It so frigging annoying. I have countless more assignments to get on with once I get back so once again, no break for me over Xmas. I feel like I could sleep for a week, because even when I do wake up in the morning, I still feel tired. Oh the joys of being a student and for what. Ending up in a job that is poorly paid and where they treat you like dogs.

My cupboards are bare and I have not even had time to do any food shopping this week. I paid my nephew to do my housework yesterday, as that had not been done for about two weeks and the place was a mess. He's star and did a smashing job. It was lovely to get in last night to a clean flat.

But am I bitter, naaaah. Still sticking with it because there are parts of it I really do enjoy and I know that whatever I ended up doing I'll always be a moany old cow.

Zippidy doo da...........

2011-10-28T18:56:00.003+01:00

I think I might be slightly autistic, in a very mild sense. I can't explain why I think this, because it would be too complicated. It's either that or I am the only sane person left in the world and everyone else is total bonkers.

I was doing my bit of work stuff related to Uni the other day and a couple of members of staff said lets go to the kitchen and see if there is anything to eat. The food in the kitchen in not for staff. However once chosen what we fancy and standing there chomping away on it I am told if we get caught doing this we will get sacked. So I'm thinking, why are we doing it then. The food really was not worth getting sacked for.

Then I'm chatting to another member of the senior staff and asking her a few questions relating to my task. I am told that a certain task can only be performed by people X. People Y, who are less qualified cannot do it. I had just seen a Y person doing this task and I mention this. Not to get anyone into trouble, but to clarify what she is telling me. She replies, ' I know, sometimes people Y get a bit over zealous and do things they shouldn't'. So I'm thinking, you know they shouldn't do it, you know they do do it, why tell them not to? I didn't say this, but surely that is a logical conclusion to come to? That was the end of that conversation. Is it me, or is there something fundamentally wrong with all of that? I think I think too much.

Back to life, back to reality...........

2011-09-07T19:15:00.008+01:00

Holiday time is over and back to uni.

I had a lovely time in Wales. It didn't rain at all, except once during the night, when I was tucked up in my sleeping bag, under canvas. I had to get a new sleeping bag for my trip. The last one got all smelly and according to the instructions you could not wash it, so I gave it to the cats to sleep on. They don't mind the odd noxious smell around their nostrils as they sleep, they produce enough of their own. I don't know whats going on with Mr T lately, he's not cleaning his bum and it stinks. I tried to clean it myself the other day with a flannel and he got all stroppy with me and he had this sort of 'do you mind' expression on his face. Some people would pay good money for that service........ so I've been told. Anyway, this new sleeping bag was shit. The first night in the tent I was freezing and ended up having to borrow a duvet from my sister.

Had a lovely time walking my sisters dogs. They love me so much, more than my sister I think, and that's because I am a fun person who throws lots of sticks for them. I think they would like to come and live with me, but alas the cats would leave home if they did. I really badly want a dog of my own and plan to get one once my degree is over. Not sure how the cats will adapt but I reckon if I get one which is smaller than them they may not mind. As long as Mr T can beat it up I think he'll be ok with it. He does like to beat up on Miss H, I have to constantly tell him off about it. It never happened with Mr W, he was a gentle giant but when the need arose he stood his ground and would always make Mr T submit.

I met the donkeys for the first time as well. They love me too and it had nothing at all to do with the hundreds of carrots I fed them.

Not sure if the chickens love me. I find chickens rather strange creatures, but I did make some egg sandwiches with some of their eggs, which were rather nice.

I went on a wonderful hack with my sister and friend. I was so nervous to begin with, not knowing what the horse was going to be like but he was perfect and did everything that I asked of him. Unfortunately another women who was on the hack was not very fit and had not cantered her own horse in years. She said it was because the horse was too old, but I reckon it was because she was too fat. I'm not being fattest, honest, I liked the women, she was really friendly. But she kept holding everyone else back by constantly bringing her horse back down into a trot.

Been feeling a bit strange since I got back. Felt quite ill Monday night with a pounding headache and an achy feeling. I thought, 'oh no, coming down with something', but I took a lemsip and felt marginally better by the morning. Still keep getting the headache though and a bit of a funny tummy.

I actually turned my phone on for the first time yesterday and have been trying to plough through all the text messages and emails are still on my list to do. I have an exam soon and studying hard for that so time is so limited.

Had a great text from someone which said something along the lines of ,' I have just been reading your blog, you are so fucking intelligent'. At last the world is catching on........... I like it. It was probably my dad though.

Jesus frigging christ...........

2011-08-19T20:02:00.002+01:00

I have just spent over 7 hours in my car getting no-where. Bloody M1........ bloody M25........ bloody Dartford Toll............. bloody everyone who owns a car in England (except me of course) .............. I hate you all.

Time for a stiff drink.

I don't claim to know what women want.........

2011-08-17T21:36:00.002+01:00

But I know what I want.

People, who know me, visit me, know that I am quite a sexual person. It's a natural phenomena, one which I don't have to work at; it's just how I was make when my mummy and daddies seeds joined forces. I have had lots of sex over the years, mainly work related, but sometimes I still feel frustrated.

What I really crave is not just a joining of bodies but a joining of minds, an emotional connection. The first thing that creates in me a desire for a man is their physical appearance. I think for most of us the initial stimulus is physical attraction, what I like to call the phwoar factor. You know the feeling when you start imaging them naked and then before you know you’re running on the tred mill at the gym while simultaneously having mind sex with the sexy looking guy, pumping iron in the corner.

I have dated some really nice looking men in my time (before I became menopausal and past it) who really got my juices flowing. But as soon as I discover that the emotional/mental stimulation is not there and is never likely to be, the old juices just dry up (menopausal symptoms probably) and my sexual desire for them shuts down.

It's hard to explain what I mean when I use the word 'emotional/mental' connection but if I had to define it I would probably say it's a feeling of being wanted and desired, not just because I have a vagina or nice body, but because they really like me, as a whole. Things that would make me feel this would be if they cherished being with, regardless of whether or not sex was on the agenda. Someone who was happy to spend time with me just cuddling or stroking my skin or my hair (things I love), someone who was interested in my thoughts and feelings and respected and valued me as a human being. Someone who just called up, not because they wanted a shag but because they were thinking about me and missed me. Someone who surprised me with a nice cooked meal and a bottle of wine. And finally that ultimate sexual experience where all these feelings are translated, through out bodies, into mind blowing passionate sex. That's what I miss, mind blowing passionate sex and believe me, I've had it and know what it is - just not for a couple of decades now.

The trouble is I know men who I could probably connect with in that emotional way, who would do all the things I have cited above, but I don't have a physical desire for them. Yet the ones have supplied the visual stimulation have proven to be as romantic as a plank of wood and wouldn't know how to woo a women if the instructions were carved into their dick.

Am I doomed to a life of post menopausal loneliness? Actually, I wouldn't get lonely just because I don't have a man in my life, I've learnt to live without one and I think it leads to a more stress free life, imho. I like being a free spirit, but guess it would just be nice to meet a free spirited man who possesses the same values as I do and looks like James Purefoy to boot, ho hum.

I've just been insulted.

2011-08-16T19:14:00.004+01:00

Popped into the doctors surgery today to make an appointment for a smear. 'Are you still having periods' she asks me?

I would have chocked on my coffee, had I been drinking one at the time.

'I'm not that old' I reply and she just shrugs her shoulders.

Fuck me, I may not be a spring chicken anymore but I really don't think I look like I am in my 50's.

My dad cheared me up when I stopped by for a visit on the way home and told my parents the sorry tale. He says I still look 30. Dads are great aren't they?

I'm alive............ I'm alive

2011-08-12T14:05:00.005+01:00

Honest I am. People keep saying I never post on my blog anymore and wonder if I am ok - well I am doing fine, it's just a matter of finding the time really.

I'm not really enjoying my break from uni that much because I'm working (money working) and working (uni working). I have an exam shortly after returning to uni in September which I am trying to study for and an essay that I really should be getting on with. I still have this mental block when it comes to doing essays and so put if off and off and off. I know once I start the damn thing the writers block will clear, but I don't want to write an essay, it's boring.

I thought I was going to die last Friday. It was my friends birthday and so we meet up for the day going for a 2hr riding hack in the morning, followed by lunch. Never been to this riding school before and therefore never ridden any of their horses. All was going fine for the majority of the ride, which was lovely and took us through country lanes and farmland. We set off for another canter in this field, keeping single file, as horses have a tendancy to want to race when finding themselves in an open space. I'd been cantering fine up until then, then suddenly I feel the pace of my horse change and he starting tugging and tugging against me. I could tell he wanted to overtake my friends horse, who was just slightly in front of me. Jezus christ - I just spend the next, what seemed like hours, trying to hold this damn horse back. Trust me, when it comes to strength the horse will win every time. I was shitting myself because I knew if I was unable to control this freak of nature I would be off and my friend would probably not be far behind me. I was getting really fatiqued by the force with which I had to restrain the horse. For a split second I remember asking myself why on earth I rode horses and if I survived I was not going to get on another horses back ever again.

As it happened I won the battle, but did not enjoy the experience one bit. This is the second time this type of thing has happened to me and it's starting to knock my confidence slightly. I spoke to my riding instructor about it yesterday, because I know it had to be something that i was doing wrong. He said at the end of the day it does come down to your own strength and I guess being a little person I am probably lacking in that area somewhat. Still, its bloody scary and I know sooner or later I am bound to fall off. The next day I felt as if i had been run over by a steam roller, my upper body muscles were so sore.

I am off to Wales to visit my sister at the end of August, for a week. I am going with a friend and we are planning on camping again on my sisters land. My sister has now taken up riding again, she also had not ridden for about 20 + years and is planning on buying her own horse - lucky cow. I have planned two more hack while in Wales, but unusally for me I am actually nervous about it, not surpisingly after nearly losing my life last week. But when you are on a cooperative horse, one which I can easily control, riding is one of the most amazing feelings in the world. After a long canter you just want to whoop for joy.

Soooooooo tired.

2011-06-09T21:03:00.002+01:00

My work experience is now going quite well. I hated my first week, but it's horrible starting somewhere new, not knowing anyone and feeling like a fish out of water. The hours I have been given to work are horrible. Either really early starts, or later starts, but late finishes. I find it really hard to organise my bed time routine to get enough sleep. Hence I am feeling exhausted and definitely falling short on the number of sleep hours I require to be able to function.

I was supposed to be working (escort working) today, but for some reason I thought I was seeing one of my regulars today, who books for 4hours, so I don't usually have time to see anyone else. Then I realised, last night, that it is next Thursday that I am due to see him and find myself without any appointments for today. However when I awoke this morning I actually felt relieved that I had the day to myself because my fridge was empty and I desperately needed to do some food shopping, plus I felt really, really tired. I had my usual riding lesson this morning, which was brill. My riding has come on in leaps and bounds over the last month. It's as if suddenly everything is starting to fall into place. This is a hugh contrast to how I was feeling a couple of months ago when I was actually considering giving riding up because I felt I was not getting anywhere with it. I'm so happy I am enjoying riding again because it is truly the one time each week when I just forget about everything and can clear my mind of all my worries. It's a great stress buster.

After riding it was off to the shops to replenish the fridge, came back had a bite to eat and then decided to have an hours nap (to try and catch up on some sleep) before I started on the house work, which has also been badly neglected over the last 2 weeks. I ended up sleeping for 4.5 hrs and to be honest could have continued to sleep for longer, but often find too much sleep can also have a detrimental effect and leave me with a stinking headache.

So here I sit, still feeling tired and thinking that I really need to get to bed in about half an hour if I am to be at my best for work tomorrow, but no doubt I will fart arse about until about 11.30pm and regret that decision in the morning when my alarm clock goes on at some unearthly hour.

You know what.......

2011-05-25T19:11:00.003+01:00

I'm starting to think I am getting too old to this anymore.

You start out as a new escort and through naivety and inexperience you put up with all the shit that some men like to subject you too. Gradually you learn the ropes and begin to detect the signs of a timewaster and with confidence you start to set your own boundaries of what you are prepared to do and put up with. If you are any good you will start to develop a nice base of regular customers who treat you as a 'normal' human being, and don't see you as a piece of meat who is only doing the job because you are incapable of doing anything else.

Then you decide to try and better yourself or change direction in your life, after all, you can't do this forever. But in doing so you lose a lot of what you have worked hard to achieve. Regulars stop contacting you because you are never available when they want to see you and you're hard to get hold of, which it totally understandable.

When I first started I used to have days when I got so stressed from people booking and not turning up, or cancelling at the last minute. I seem to have gone full circle and feel like I'm back to those days again. Or maybe I just had an off day and things will seem brighter tomorrow ;-).

And nooooooooooo, I'm not depressed. Apart from some idiotic men I'm in a very good place right now and loving every minute of my degree course.

Sometimes.......

2011-05-24T19:07:00.002+01:00

I don't know why I f*cking bother.

Birthday Girl

2011-05-03T20:36:00.002+01:00

Happy birthday to me, la, la, la.

Yes, turned 42 today, yikes. Spent the day at Uni, then went round my mums for a birthday dinner with my niece and nephew. I had this craving my gypsy tart the other day, haven't had it since I was a child when my mum used to make it and so I asked my mum if she would make one for my birthday. It was revolting. I'm not sure if that was my mum's fault because she didn't follow the recipe properly or because my taste buds are now 42 years old and no longer work properly. Either way it just wasn't how I remember gypsy tart tasting. Which is interesting because I used to love Horlicks as a child and can't stand the stuff now.

Back at Uni now after a nice long break. I planned to do all this reading and extra work in preparation for my second year, but did I heck. I feel bad for not doing it, but I think I needed the break to be honest.

I've changed campuses so I now have a whole new bunch of class mates. Luckily they all seem really nice and I already know one of the girls because I did some work experience with her. It's so nice not having the long travel into Uni every day and I should save on the pennies as well.

I'm in almost every day during May - not all day mind. We have some very odd lesson times - I wish they could organise it better so we could do some whole days and go in less, but that would be too easy for them.

I passed all my assignments for the first year and didn't have any resits to take, which I am very pleased with. I just hope I can manage to do that for the second year. I feel so more relaxed about the whole thing at the moment. I'm sure once the work load starts to increase I wont be saying that, but at least I know what to expect now and should be more prepared this time around.

Hope everyone had a lovely Easter. You can thank me for the nice weather we have been experiencing because I bought it back with me from my holiday in Spain.

Night
x

Hello............

2011-02-07T23:47:00.003Z

Been feeling a bit down lately - nothing serious just been so busy. What I need to clarify is that when I am on a placment, my placement hours are 37.5hrs a week. I do these over 3 days, so as you can imagine they are very long days and very tiring, which is why I can take a long time to get back to people. I feel really bad about that as I know it must piss people off, but not only do I have my placement hours but there are assignments to do and countless other stuff and the days just drift by.

The best way to get hold of me it by text message. It is easier for me to pick those messages up and it is my preferred method of contact these days. My placement ends in 5 weeks time and it cannot come soon enough. I think I am doing okay but I seem to have lost a lot of confidence in myself over the years, probably because I have been out of the work environment and just drifting along working from home.

I am still enjoying my course - well most of the time, it just overwhelms me at times and I hate being the student who doesn't know much -yet. It makes me feel useless, which then affects my moods and I start doubting my abilities etc.

Don't worry - I will not be dropping out of this degree course and am delighted that very soon I will have completed the first year. So far I have passed all of my assignments but I still have a couple of exams to do and two essays to get marked.

Must get to bed, early start tomorrow.

Night

I'm still alive

2010-11-19T13:12:00.004Z

Gosh, it's been so long since I last blogged. Uni had been hectic, hectic, hectic. Two assignments down, one done but not yet submitted and 2 more to still do. Plus some exams early next year.

I think Christmas will be cancelled for me this year as I can see myself buried in Uni work, but it's a comforting thought to think that after Xmas I will almost be through the first academic year. Then the really hard work begins - or so I have been told.

I'm still struggling to maintain a balance between work and play. I swore that this time around I would give myself days off from study, but the trouble is when I have an assignment to do I just have to keep at it until it's done.

We had to do a group assignment recently and that really stressed me out. The other members of my team were not putting in the same amount of effort as I was - at least that is what I felt - so consequently I ended up doing most of the work for it.

I need to take a step back and chill for a bit. I set myself high standards because I want to do well, but apparently it doesn't really matter what degree you come out with, it will not effect your job prospects (as long as you pass).

I had more cat troubles recently. Mr T was taken ill, he had bladder problems and could not pass urine, which the vet thinks was caused by stress. What Mr T has to be stressed about I'll never know, he should try doing a degree. It cost me an arm and a leg to sort him out, but he is better now. Although they have told me it could happen again so I am giving him lots of love and attention to keep him happy. I did feel a bit guilty because I get so wrapped up in my uni work and life in general that I do think I had not been giving any of them as much attention. I have rectified that now and always make sure I spent some time with them in the evenings. Mr T is getting a little walk every evening because he is such a nervy cat, I need to build his confidence up. So I figure taking him out in the evening will get him used to noises and shadows. Not sure if it's working but he seems to enjoy our little strolls.

I am back on work experience now and will be for most of the remainder of my final academic year. On the plus side I am able to do 12 hr shifts, so only have to work 3 days a week on the down side the 12 hrs shifts are a killer. Most of it is spent on your feet so it's physically, as well as mentally draining. I worked the whole of this weekend and it just went in a blur. I don't get home until gone 9pm. I can't be bothered to cook and eat that time of night, plus I am too tired so my diet has been suffering as well. I think I will have to dust down the cook pot and get using it. It's been sitting in my kitchen for over a year and I have never used it. It's times like this I wish I had a husband to fuss over me when I get in from work and cook me dinner.

I am still horse riding and have improved quite a bit these last few months. My riding instructor seems pleased with me and he's so lovely. Unfortunately he is gay, otherwise he would be just my type. I am booking another riding holiday in April and this time we are planning on going to Spain for a week. I'd love to go further afield but I don't have the money or the time, because I only get a 3 week break between ending the first year and starting the next.

Didn't like the snow much - I'm getting too old for making snowmen. I appear to have reached that age when I am on the receiving end of children's snowballs. Unfortunately the other day I was not in a good mood so the perpetrators got a lashing from my sharp tongue.

Right, time for some healthy food and a proper dinner.

Night

Hello happy campers............

2010-09-26T20:10:00.002+01:00

Well, what can I say. I have totally neglected anything work related for the last two weeks because I wanted to focus 100% on my placement. Hell, it's quite a shock to the system having to get up at 6am every morning and do a full days work. Plus I have been rather naughty and have not been going to bed earlier than my normal 12/12.30 am time, so I've only been getting about 5.5hrs sleep which is no where near enough for me. Hence it has really caught up with me this week and I have slept a lot this weekend. Tonight I will endeavour to be in bed by 10.30 - it seems so early though.

My placement has been brilliant- horah - Kimmie has finally found something she really enjoys and is actually good at (at least I think I am). The staff I am working with are simply the best; really supportive and helpful, I couldn't wish for a nicer placement for my first one. I wish I could say what it is I have been doing, but it's just not possible I am afraid. But rest assured unless I get trampled to death by stampeding elephants I will certainly be sticking at this degree.

I am also feeling much better in myself of late. My last post was bit dismal to say the least, but getting back to uni was good for me. I don't have time to dwell on things, which ultimately end up getting me down. My dad once said to me that when he was younger he was a real hypochondriac and was forever up the doctors about one thing or another. Finally his doctor got fed up with him and said there was absolutely nothing wrong my dad. He told him he should settle down and have a family then he wouldn't have time to worry about himself. My dad said it was the best advice he could have been given. Of course having a family is not an option I would ever take, but this degree course has given me a new focus in life and something to aim for.

I'll be back to uni on the 18th of October and will be back to working one or two week days. Between now and the end of the year I just have one more 2 week placement so should be around a bit more if people want to come and visit me. My big placement is after Xmas, but I am hoping I will be able to do some shift work on my next one, which we still enable me to work week days as well. Money is tight these days. I'm thinking of sending the cats out to clean chimney breasts, I think they are old enough now. It's about time they contributed to household expenses.

Night.

Goodbye summer............

2010-09-06T21:50:00.002+01:00

Well, summer seems to have disappeared, in fact it disappeared at the end of July if I recall. I've noticed too, the drawing in of the nights. I got stuck in a traffic jam driving home from uni today and by the time I got home the light was already fading. I guess the rain and clouds didn't help matters. I suddenly got a vision of cold winds, grey skies and darkness as I realised Winter was just around the corner - oh and that bloody Christmas malarky.

Apologies for not writing over my summer break but I have been in a very funny zone. I wish I could say it was the 'twilight zone', that may actually be quite fun, but alas it was no such zone. Zones make me think of airport car parks - I always seem to get Zone C for some reason, how about you?

The zone I have been in is one of nothingness, sort of empty and devoid of thoughts, can't really be bothered, kind of zone. That sounds so dismal doesn't it? I can't really explain it to be honest, I just haven't felt like me for a while. I can't put my finger on it exactly, but maybe getting back to uni will help light the fire that has been missing from my life over the last weeks.

I felt quite stressy going back to uni today. I started to think of all the assignments I will have to do over the next 6 months and it's pretty daunting. Plus I started to think of all the things I was going to do over my break, which I didn't, because I was in the dead zone.

I also really miss Mr W a lot. I loved him so much, but it's only now I am realising how much he meant to me. I mean I did realise how much he meant to me when he was alive, but you do tend to take things/people for granted. I try not to think about him too much (which is bloody hard, I only have to look at 'his' armchair that he always slept on and I think about him), because it just makes me cry. Just writing about him now is making tears well up in my eyes. He wasn't just a pet to me, he was my friend and companion and he was so loyal and loving. My other cats pretty much ignore me, accept when they want food and I feel lonely without Mr W greeting me every time I come home. The others do not even wake up when I come in; Mr W always did and he always came over to me for a big, love cuddle.

I think some way down the line, maybe when I finish Uni, I will get a dog. Dogs were always my first love, but Mr W changed that for me. However I've come to realise that he actually exhibited many of the traits a dog possesses. He was one in a million and I know that no matter how many more cats I were to get, I would never find another like Mr W.

My summer holiday in France was very good. It was really cold when we arrived, very, very cold for that time of the year, so we were told. But it warmed up on about the 3rd day and got to uncomfortably hot temperatures by the time we were due to leave. The horses were lovely and I got to ride about 4 different ones during the course of the week. Nearly fell of twice, both times on the same horse who tested my skills, or lack of them, to the limit. Basically I couldn't stop him very well, which is pretty scary. But he was a lovely horse and the problem was with me, not him. My friend actually did fall off on one ride, alas I was not there to laugh at his misfortune ;-). I have a feeling my time will come, but I will do it with the style and grace that falling off a horse deserves.

Well, time for bed, or time to get ready to think about getting ready for bed. I feel shattered and it's only the first day. God knows how I will cope when I am doing 5 whole days during my work experience. It's been a long while since I did a proper weeks work. Too long some may say ;-0.

Night
x

RIP my beloved boy, Mr W............

2010-07-29T11:35:00.003+01:00

My beautiful black cat, Mr W, passed away last Friday. He was only 11 years old and I thought I had many more years left so share my life with him. To say I am devastated is an understatement.

People who know me, know how much my cats mean to me, especially Mr W. He was the first cat I ever had as a kitten and he was also my favourite. He wasn't just a pet, he was my little buddy and we had a bond I have never had with any other pet.

I don't know why he died, he was fine the day before and showed no signs of being ill. I found him in the garden 7am on Friday morning. I only saw him because I heard this strange yoddle, and at first could not figure out where it was coming from. Then a second cry drew me to where he was, tucked up under the barbecue. I picked him up and he was all floppy and very weak.

I took him along to the vets as soon as it opened at 8am, but he did not know what was wrong with him, so I had to leave him there and dash of to uni. It never occurred to me that he would not get better and I would never see him alive again.

He died around 3pm. I had just rang the vets because I had cooked some of his favourite fish and was just going to visit him and try and tempt him to eat something. I wanted to see him and say a final goodbye. He was still warm and soft when I got there. I picked him up and gave him a long cuddle and kissed his little head. It was hard to drag myself away and leave him there.

They never did discover what was wrong with him and why he died. I have chosen a wooden cat figurine urn for his ashes and I should get him home next week.

I know he had a good life, but I just wish I had seen him one more time. He was so scared when I took him to the vets and had I known he may not have pulled through I would have wanted to say there with him. It saddens me that he died alone in a strange place, with people he did not know.

He was the last in a long line of beautiful cats with the most perfect temperaments. My sister has his mum and grandma and my mum had his aunt and cousin. They have all passed away now. I hope wherever they may be, they are all together again.

Off to Wales on Friday.........

2010-07-19T11:07:00.003+01:00

Driving to Wales after Uni on Friday for my little camping trip. I can't wait, it's going to be so cosy sleeping in a tent. I don't even mind if it is raining, it will probably add to the experience. Although I do quite fancy having a camp fire, which wont be possibly if it's chucking it down.

My sisters place is next to a farm and some of the land is rented out to a guy who owns donkeys. A river divides the property but the water is now low enough for the donkeys to cross over to my sisters place. Some of the females are pregnant and I believe a few have already given birth already, so it will be lovely to see the little babies. I will have to bring some carrots for them. Last time I was down there the river was quite deep so the donkeys only came up as far as the river bank. I bought some apples and was throwing them over to them, when I smacked the white male donkey on the head with one. I felt so bad about that, especially as he never actually got any of the apples that landed over there. I will make it up to him on this visit.

I did actually sleep in a tent once, for about an hour. As a child I had a little kiddies tent and one night in the summer my mum and dad said my sister and I could sleep in the garden. I was loving it, but after about an hour my sister decided she wanted to go back in the house. I'm not sure what her reason was, I think she may have been a bit scared. I was gutted because I was then too scared to sleep out there on my own. I remember being really pissed of with my sister for ruining it. She always ruined my fun, boring cow, lol.

Life is a funny old thing................

2010-07-19T10:57:00.005+01:00

Do you ever wonder how 'you' came to be here? I don't tend to do that anymore, but when I was younger and had all those funny old 'mental' problems I used to think about it a lot. I used to think that if perhaps my parents hadn't had sex on the day I was conceived, but say a month later, then it would have been different sperm and a different egg and someone else would have taken my place. Or would they? Maybe it would still have been me that popped out.

When I was about 12 ish and really miserable with my life I used to think that I wasn't actually human at all. Because I felt like such an outsider I liked to believe that I was actually an alien, from another planet, that had been put on earth to observe human life. I used to prey that one day my own people would come back and take me home, so I could go back to a place where I belonged.

Of course I don't think like that anymore and I'm not sure what made me suddenly remember these things - but it kinda makes me smile when I remember what a total nutter I was, lol.

Toy boys and holidays.................

2010-07-05T23:03:00.003+01:00

First of all the good news is I have booked a summer holiday. Myself and a horse riding buddy are going to spend a week in France, in August, on a riding holiday. I have already bought 2 new pairs of Jodphurs for the occasion - one needs to look stylish. We have decided to drive there, so the volcanic dust cloud cannot bugger up our plans, should it surface again, and it means we have transport while there. I can't wait, a whole week or riding, what more could a girl want? There are other things to do in the immediate vicinity as well; the sort of active pursuits that I enjoy doing.

Prior to that holiday I am going to Wales again on the day I break up from Uni - just for a long weekend. My friend and I are planning on camping on my sisters property. She has a big hill behind her house where we will set up our tent and build the camp fire. I'm hoping the weather won't turn and pee down with rain. I've never been camping before, but always fancied it. We also plan on doing a horse ride while we are down there so it should be a good adventure and I'm always up for one of those.

I am now truly over my last awful dating experience. Funnily enough 'he' texted me last week and asked how I was as he had not seen me at the gym. I didn't reply. One of the first things he said to me was he believed in treating people the way he liked to be treated. Well he did not reply to any of the last few texts I sent him, so I figured he wouldn't want me to reply to his. Childish - yes, satisfying - immensely ;-).

What is they say, 'when you fall off a horse you should get straight back on again'? That is exactly what I am doing. Over the last few months I have been doing some seriously flirting with a young boy at the riding stables I go to. When I say young I don't mean illegally young, but not far off. Put it this way, I am old enough to be his mother - in fact he is the same age as my niece or maybe a year younger. That's awful, I can't remember how old my niece is - fuck I hate getting old, you forget everything.

So anyway, nothing has happened as yet, but I'm up for the challenge. I have invited him over but not totally sure if it will happen . We have had a few false starts, down to him, not me. However he did give me a short, but sweet shoulder massage today as I was putting my horse to bed. The flirting is rather nice actually. Reminds me of days gone by when the biggest thrill was the anticipation of what was to come. I've always been content with the ages I have been but right now, god do I wish I was 20 years younger. I tell you something though, it sure as hell feels wonderfully satisying and it's a hugh boost to one's ego to know that I can still pull guys of that age ;-).

I need a plumber

2010-06-21T22:21:00.001+01:00

I have a burst pipe in my bathroom and need a plumber. If anyone is a plumber or can recommend one I would be very grateful.

Many thanks

The next reason why today was strange.

2010-06-21T21:31:00.005+01:00

I had a date Saturday night with a guy from the gym. He briefly chatted me up and gave me his number, saying I seemed interesting and he would like to chat to me some more. I wasn't totally convinced , for two reasons. One, I wasn't sure I really fancied him. Nice body, nice to chat to, but wasn't drawn to his face. He wasn't ugly, some may say he is good looking, but not quite my cup of tea. Second reason, I am really, really happy being single right now and don't feel I have the inclination or time to embark on a relationship.

However, nothing ventured, nothing gained so I agreed to meet up with him on Saturday night. I drove to his and we planned on staying in and he was going to cook. Dinner was OK. The steak and assortment of vegetables with gravy was good. Didn't much rate the baked sweat potato, but hey ho, you can't win them all.

What was strange was we ate dinner in his bedroom. He only moved into this new house a few months ago and there was not a dining area, so to speak. Most of the downstairs to his house was out of bounds, because his 77 year old aunt, who isn't actually his real aunt, lives with him and she has that part of the house. I didn't actually meet the aunt, was just told of her existence - bit spooky really.

I had one glass of wine, since I was driving and really cannot afford to get any more points added to my licence, I'm on the edge as it is. Despite this he kept trying to get me to have more wine. That really fucks me off when someone pesters you to do something which you are adamant that you don't want to do and particularly when you have a bloody good reason for that decision. Then he decided he wants a joint and asks if I'll join him. I decline, because I'm driving, but nevertheless he still keeps trying to get me to have a puff. After the joint he becomes a little nonsensical and starts to get a bit childish. He wants me to stay the night, which I refuse to do. I don't know him and I don't really want to spend the night in his bed, since I know what he Will expect from that.

The clock strikes 12.30 and I know I have to get out of their soon before I turn back into a pumpkin. He's still trying to get me to stay, but I am adamant I want to go home, so home I go. When I arrived there was no parking outside his house so I had to park a little way down the road. He didn't offer to walk me to my car. Not that I would have wanted him to, but the offer would have been a nice gesture. Women eh? Confusing as hell - I know, I know.

When I'm driving home I half expected him to text me, just to say he had had a nice evening - I think that's what I would have done if he had visited me. He didn't though.

The next day I get up early, go to the gym, go straight from the gym to sainsburys to get some choccies for my dad on fathers day. Go straight from the sainsbury's to my mummy and daddies. Have a cup of tea and one of my mums home baked cakes and a general chit chat. Get back home at 1pm. I forgot to take my phone out with me when I left for the gym that morning, so when I got back home I did expect to see a text from this guy. Nothing, nadda, zilch.

To be brutally honest I didn't actually care that much, because despite the fact I semi enjoyed the evening I knew I didn't want to see him again. I can see I am being a bit hypocritical moaning about his lack of contact and lets face it, I could have texted him, but I didn't. No, I thought, 'fuck him'. However I had left something at his place. I realised this as soon as I left on Sat night and I did go back to his house. I rang his bell and knocked on his door, but he didn't answer so I just left.

Today I texted him to ask if I had left my stuff there. I wasn't rude in anyway. I'd already concluded he wasn't happy with how the evening ended so just wanted to arrange the return of my left belongings. I didn't get a reply, so later I tried calling him, he didn't answer the phone. Eventually I did get through to him and I got this rather Curt, 'I'm in a meeting, I'll call you back'. When he did call back we got disconnected and my attempts at getting him on the phone again failed. All I wanted was my stuff back, that's all.

To cut a very long and boring story short and after a couple more texts from me asking him if he could bring my stuff to the gym with him on Wed, where I could pick it up, I get this call. He had a right moan at me telling me that I although I might not be busy, he is and he was not ignoring my texts. No, he has been playing golf all afternoon so yup, I can see he had been really busy.

What an absolute prick. OK, so I didn't want to see him again but why the attitude? He's 38 years old for goodness sake, surely by that age you should have grown out of the childish tantrums. And this coming from a guy who is supposed to be a 'life coach', whatever the feck that is. I can't for the life of me imagine what I did that warranted that treatment from him. Before Sat he was quite happy to text and speak to me on the phone, then it all changed. Was it because I didn't stay the night and fuck his brains out? Well you know why I didn't, because I wanted to see if he actually like me or he was just after a shag. I guess I got my answer.

So yes, it's been a strange day today.

It's been a funny day today........

2010-06-21T21:11:00.006+01:00

What with the irate wife incident the morning was most eventful.

My friend Simon and I went for our weekly horse riding jaunt. It was a beautiful morning, the sun was shining so we were both in the outside arena. I was only a little grey pony, which funnily enough was called Grey Jack; and Simon was on a new horse that he had only ridden for the first time last week. He's a big bugger - the horse, not my friend. I rode him myself once and I don't think he liked me much, he tried to throw me off.

So around the arena we are both trotting and as I pass Simon, in the opposite direction, I notice that he seemed to be trying to hold his horse back. So we pass and then the next thing I hear is this loud cracking sound. I turn my head around to see the fence behind me broken in pieces, Simon was no where in sight and this horse was laying on his side in a ditch with his hind legs kicking up into the air. Both our trainers dash over and I jump of off my horse and walk to the other side of the arena. I'm looking out for Simon and suddenly see his head appear from behind a bush.

My attention is then directed to the horse. I could see his head rising and falling and his back legs still kicking out. The trainers were trying to calm him down and then other people started appearing. I was really scared. I knew Simon was OK but I thought the horse has badly injured himself, maybe broken a leg, which would ultimately mean the end of it's life.

Thankfully they managed to get him to his feet. He had some cuts and abrasions, but apparently he is going to be fine and will have a couple of weeks rest to get over the shock of it. One of the staff was hurt in the incident and needed stitches - but thankfully no man or horse was badly injured. Simon just suffered minor stinging nettle bites. Personally I think he was just feeling ignored and wanted a bit of attention. All he had to do was a lady Godiva and he would have got everyone's attention. Honestly, riding through a fence and throwing yourself of a horse is a bit extreme me thinks.

The importance of having a 'punting phone'

2010-06-21T20:49:00.003+01:00

I have always thought it daft when married men use their 'normal' phones for their punting activities. It costs nothing to buy a cheap phone and use that one when you want to play away. The same goes for emails. Why oh why are some men so careless when it comes to deleting emails which they would rather their 'other half' did not see.

I'm saying all of this because I have just had another encounter where the wife of a man who has used my services, has discovered an email, sent to me, and the shit hits the fan.

Because of personal circumstances last week I did not log on to my emails or check my phone very much. So today I thought it was about time I got my arse into gear and got responding to the kind gents who visit me.

First to emails. I see that one of my customers, who I have probably seen 3 or 4 times, so not that much, has sent me about 5 emails in one day. The first one was just asking for an appointment this week, to which I replied. I actually thought that perhaps the emails would all be the same and it was some computer glitch sending out multiple emails. But as I read them it becomes evident this is not the case. I wont go into exact details of their content but suffice to say this man was telling me that he was in love with me and that he wanted to leave his wife.

To say I was shocked was an understatement. It seemed very out of character for this person. I may not know him that well but I could always tell he really loved his wife and was very much a family man. I didn't actually respond to any of these emails and just left it at the one I had sent, saying I was able to see him on Wednesday.

When I returned from uni today I decided to sort the phone out and read text messages. There were about half a dozen from the same guy who had emailed, plus a few missed calls, pretty much saying the same thing as the emails, except that this time he wanted to 'lick my cunt'. I know for a fact this is not the sort of comment that would come out of this mans mouth, unless he was having some mental breakdown - which I doubted. So I texted him and asked if he was OK.

It then started to occur to me that perhaps these emails and texts were not from him. Maybe, just maybe they were from his wife. This would not be the first time this sort of thing has happened to me. It's not actually a common occurrence at all, but nonetheless it's not too pleasant being on the receiving end. To be honest I can do without it. I offer unemotional, uncomplicated sex, that's all. I don't want irate wives contacting me or giving me a hard time. I'm sure the husbands don't either but keeping this secret from their wives is their responsibility, not mine.

I then check my emails again and in doing so come across another email, from an address unknown to me. It's this man again, using a friend email addy telling me his wife has found out and I must not reply to any emails or texts - oops.

So please guys, be careful. Never underestimate a women. We are, by nature, devious creatures and while you may think we never check your emails or go through your phone - trust me, we do.

Uni is going well.......

2010-06-21T20:47:00.001+01:00

Loving it and very happy with this new course. I'm not going to talk about uni much, it's probably best if I keep that private. But I just wanted to let people know that I am very happy and enjoying it immensely - unlike last years one.

Apologies for not being very responsive last week

2010-06-21T19:59:00.001+01:00

Was a bit preoccupied.

Further posts to follow - I may even have a little moan. Not had one in a while.

My pet hates.

2010-05-17T22:03:00.002+01:00

One thing I do not like is emails or texts which are not polite. I don't mean they have to be over the top, but just friendly.

I got this email today,

'Are you available for an incall on Friday?How much?'

That's all it said. No,' Dear Kim' or 'can you tell me what your rates are for the hour?'

As it happens I am not working Friday - at uni - but I would not reply to an email and just put 'no'.

Maybe I am being picky, but come on, that's just plain rude.

Needless to say I didn't bother replying. Which itself is rude I know, but I don't want to see someone who treats me like that.

Apart from that, life is hectic, but I am really enjoying this course. I wish I had chosen this one a year ago. It's bloody tiring though. I was at Uni from 9am to 5pm today and was shattered when I got home, but it didn't stop there. I have spend most of the evening typing up my notes and I'm still not done. But I find the things we are learning so interesting I really don't mind too much.

Time to get in the bath. I overslept this morning and only had time to wash the essentials before having to dash out the door.

Night
x

Sorry for not posting for so long.

2010-05-07T11:46:00.004+01:00

Some of you may be wondering how I am getting on at Uni?

Well, it's been 3 weeks now but 'real' lessons do not start until next week. To date they have been introducing us to referencing, essay writing and other study skills. I had to do a 500 word essay this week. It was not part of any assessment, but nevertheless I still spent about 6 hours working on it. It paid off, my personal tutor said it was very good. But the amount of time I spend doing it pissed me off. I hate writing essays; give me an exam any day. It's all this critical analysis and creating an argument malarkey. I don't really know how to incorporate those things into an essay. I guess it will come with practise (at least that is what I keep telling myself). I have about a thousand books on these subjects, but I'm still none the wiser. For for some of the books I actually need a translator to explain to me what the hell they are going on about. Why do academics have to spout bullshit all the time? Why not just write in plain English so the less intellectual type, like myself, can understand it. It's as if in reality they want to keep all this information to themselves, so make it as difficult as possible for the average laymen to comprehend.

I was reading one book last night, 'How to write better essays'. I bought this based purely on all the brilliant reviews it had received on amazon. 'Great book, so easy to understand', 'my grades have improved since buying this book', etc, etc. This has to be one of most boring books I have tried to read. I did not find it useful and I did not find it easy to understand. I would rather stumble around in the dark and find my own way than rely on something like that. Luckily I have another 482 books on essay writing so I'm bound to find one that suits my limited intelligence.

The travelling to and fro is a pain as well. Because I'm not used to doing a lot of driving it really drains me and is costing me a small fortune in petrol. My timetable is all over the place and chops and changes a lot, which makes it hard planning what days I am working. But Uni life is not meant to be easy is it? No, we are not meant to to have a life for 3 years and are expected to live of off bread and water. No, we are expected to suffer for our craft. As long as I can keep the puddy cats in the lifestyle they have become accustomed, I know I'll be OK and I'll get through it.

So, that's it in a nutshell really.

Still riding.......

2010-03-31T11:58:00.004+01:00

I'm still having my riding lessons, in fact I have increased them to two a week for now - at least until I start Uni.

This week I have ridden two horses which are new to me. While they gage your riding skills they tend to stick you on horses which are less forward going and tend to be a bit stubborn - imo. The two I rode this week were very forward going and a pleasure to ride. Forward going basically means they respond well to your leg aids so you don't need to use heavy kicks to get them moving. The one I had this morning only needed a gentle squeeze and maintained her trot nicely without needing constant reminding, via leg aids, to keep going.

I love riding so much, I just wish I could do it every day, but it's not a cheap hobby. I just hope I can keep it up when I'm back to my studying again.

It's strange because very few men seem to ride and it's very dominated by women. I don't know why that should be as I don't see it as a girly sport. So guys, get your breeches out and discover the wonder world of riding.

Why do they call it Global warming?

2010-03-31T10:55:00.005+01:00

They should call it global fucking freezing cold or global pissing down with rain or global England is a shit place to live because it's always cold and wet.

I have ants in my pants..........

2010-03-29T18:23:00.002+01:00

Well, not exactly in my pants, but they are infesting my flat. In all the years I have lived here I have never experienced an ant invasion in the house. I can't work out where they are coming in. Just as I think I have sussed it, they swarm somewhere else. A few months back I had slugs in the bathroom. They have gone now but I never figured out where they came from either. I think they were procreating in there because I kept finding baby ones. And if it's not ants and slugs its bloody mice which the cats keep bringing in. I saved one last night from the jaws of Mr W.

I think I might get a tent and live in the garden and just let the insects and animals have the house.

My weeks break..........

2010-03-29T17:35:00.003+01:00

So, last week I went to Wales to visit my sister, who moved down there about 3 weeks ago. It was my first visit to Wales and to my sisters new house. I managed to survive the week with my sister and my mum, who also came along. My sister is OK actually, we got along as a rule, but then we don't really see each other that much. We look alike, but apart from that we have completely different personalities. I am probably a lot more outgoing than my sister and more boisterous. She's a funny sort really. Her fella is not moving down until the summer time, so prior to my visit she has been down there about a week on her own. She didn't start her new job until today, so she's had a lot of free time. But she does not appear to have really done anything.

The house needs a lot of work doing on it and she swears she has cleaned it. Hmm, we obviously have different standards when it comes to cleanliness. I mean, it wasn't filthy, but there was cobwebs everywhere and the window seals and skirting boards were not clean. Perhaps I am being anal, I don't know.

She also has a fair bit of land along with the property as they plan to get pigs, chickens and some sheep and become partly self sufficient. She took us on a tour of her 'estate'. Part of the land they own is quite hilly, and there are lots of bramble bushes all over the place, which need clearing. I actually offered to help her cut them down while I was there and she looked at me in disbelief and said she didn't have anything to cut them down with. Now if that was me I would have been out there doing it the week I arrived - just to keep busy if nothing else. I couldn't quite fathom what she had been doing while she had been there on her own.

I soon found out though. The day we travelled down we didn't get there until about 1.30pm, and it was pissing down with rain, so we just stayed around the house. Me and my mum decided to rearrange her lounge and move the furniture around and then the flash came out and we did a bit of cleaning and hoovering - much to my sisters disgust. She hates people interfering, but it did look much better once we were done. The rest of the days we did go out and about. But whenever we were back at her place she would just sit there using her laptop the whole time. So I has a nose to see what she was doing and discovered she was just playing this game, 'farmville' which is some sort of face book application. It looked crap. You just seem to grow and harvest plants. I kid you not, but she did this for hours on end. Very strange and slightly rude I think, especially when you have visitors. But that's my sister for you - she lives in a little world all of her own. I'm amazed at how she has managed to acquire so many husbands along the way. I don't mean to put her down but she is hardly the most exciting of people - not like me, heh heh.

I had lots of fun with her two Alsatian dogs. She has a smallish girl and a rather large, bear like male. I took them for quite a few walks on her land and managed to get pulled over by the boy. She doesn't like to let them of the lead just yet, until they have put up some fencing. A river separates their land from the farm opposite and she is worried that they will get across and bother the animals. Apparently, in Wales, farmers can shoot dogs which worry their animals. Both dogs were totally in love with me by the time I left. I love them too, especially the little girl, she was so cute and cuddly.

I'm not sure when I'll be able to go down again. It's not a trip you really want to do in a weekend and with petrol prices as they are, it's pretty costly. I think she will miss us all, especially her kids. Funnily enough she seems quite desperate for them both to move to wales, yet when they were on her doorstep she never showed that much interest in them. I feel sorry for her son. He's just coming up to 16 and has had to move in with his dad, a man he has never had much of a father/son relationship with. I think he is taking it quite hard, this sudden upheaval at a stressful time in his life when he has exams just around the corner. But neither of them are interested in moving to Wales. It's a lovely little village, set in some beautiful countryside but not really the sort of place you want to be when you are young and still in 'party' mode. I could see myself living somewhere like that, but I don't think Wales is for me. There are so many nice rural places in England and I would not want to be too far away from my family.

Get involved | WWF Earth Hour

2010-03-20T08:49:00.000Z

Get involved WWF Earth Hour

Blogging mad this week...........

2010-02-17T12:42:00.010Z

I caught the tail end of a TV programme last week about parents who send their kids away to boarding school at 8 years old. Now personally I think this is a bit cruel and that suggests to me parents who want children but don't actually want the hard work and responsibility of actually looking after them. However I'm sure the parents of such children would probably say that they are doing it for the benefit of their children's education. Perhaps there is something in that argument.

One of the young girls found it particularly hard adjusting to being away from home. But she did eventually come round and began to enjoy her boarding school. I don't think I would have liked it at such a young age - I was a real mummies girl. But around the age of 12, when I started to hate my parents, for some bizarre reason, I probably would have welcomed it with open arms.

When you look back over history, there was a time when affluent people always had nannies who would care for their children and then there were nurse maids. How lazy is that, getting someone else to breast feed your baby? Although my knowledge of this is non existent I would hazard a guess and say it was probably around the 19th century when parents started to take a more active role in their children's upbringing. I watched a programme a while back about Prince John, who had epilepsy and because of his condition his parents send him away to live in a house with his nanny. It seemed he hardly ever got to see his parents, it was as though he was an embarrassment to them. Again I thought this was rather heartless and cruel.

But you know what, if I had kids I wouldn't want to look after them that much either and if I could afford it, I'd hire a nanny. Kids are great, in small doses, but it would drive me crazy looking after one all the time. They'd get on my nerves. Which is why I would never have any. I think if you are the kind of parent who wants to pass their kids off with other people, then you are not the right person for the job.

Another programme which started recently, 'One born every minute', follows the coming and going in a maternity ward. Oo-er missus, not something that should be watched by women who are currently pregnant with their first child. There is something seriously wrong with nature when the only way to have a child is to squeeze it out of your la la. I just don't get it, how on earth is it possible? No wonder so many women go off of sex after having kids. I think I prefer to keep my vagina intact, thank you very much.

Despite my views on children I do find the small variety quite cute. When I see babies and little toddlers I get all goo, goo, ga, ga with them. Unless of course there are millions of them running around all over the place, then I have this urge to tread on them and squash them like a slug. However, I must add I have never deliberately squashed a slug - despite the fact they always eat my marigolds, I find this practice cruel and do not condone any cruelty to animals. I've found the best way to get rid of the pesky beasts is to throw into next doors garden. They do make their way back eventually, but it takes them at least a week. Thats the slugs by the way, not children, they usually take longer to return ;-o.

No cards for me this Valentines..........

2010-02-16T19:08:00.004Z

What a load of commercial drivel Valentines is. No, I'm not bitter because I didn't get a card - not even a credit card statement graced my letter box. Do I care that nobody loves me, nah. I've come to the conclusion that love is overrated anyway. We live in a dog eat dog world, where most people only look after number one. It's sad but true. It does sound like I'm bitter, but honestly I'm not. Of course I would love to be in love and have someone love me back, but it never really lasts anyway, does it?

Doing this job does make you cynical, but I actually really appreciate the fact that I have an insight into some of the realities of relationships. So many women (and men) believe that, 'If he/she really loves me they wouldn't even look at another member of the opposite sex, let alone cheat.' Having sex with someone else does not have to mean you don't love your partner. I suppose it depends on whether or not you can separate love and sex, which men seem to find easier to do than women?? I often feel that the very women who see their men cheating, as the ultimate form of betrayal, are the very same women who deny their partners sex. Surely sex is a committed relationship is an expression of love, so why ration or deny it?

Men and women have been cheating on each other for centuries and that will never change. It's a bit like the oldest profession. It's always been here and always will be here. No matter how many Harriet Harmens there are, they wont stop women selling their bodies and men paying for sex.

I get fed up reading about married celebrities cheating on their partners. Why is that such big news? Men are weak, women are predator's, infidelity happens. The only mistake they make is shagging the local bar maid who has no morals about selling her kiss and tell story to the press. It's just another form of prostitution. The men use the women and the women make money out of selling their story. Someone asked me today if I would ever sell my story if I had a 'famous' client'. Without hesitation I said no because I would not want my face plastered over the tabloid press and I would not want to humiliate my family by exposing myself in that way. But what if I was offered a million to sell my story, hmm, that would be tempting. I guess we all have a price but for me to make that sacrifice it would have to be a price higher than anyone would probably be willing to pay.

I have no idea what I'm rambling on about to be honest. Maybe someone, out there in deep space, can decipher it and get back to me ;-)

Back to Uni again, soon............

2010-02-16T18:37:00.002Z

It just occurred to me today that in about 2 months time I will be starting my new Uni course. I have very mixed feelings about it. On the one hand I am getting bored again just escorting. It's been a lot quieter recently and although I always manage to do my quota of work each week, it's a bit erratic at times. It's sods law, when I'm booked up the phone does not stop ringing, when I'm quiet no one calls. I can't stand just sitting around waiting to see if someone wants to visit. I don't want to go too far from home in case someone does, but then again I don't want to sit around doing nothing. If the weather was nicer I'd be happy just pottering around in the garden, but it's just dismal out and I'm starting to get 'cabin fever'. I love the freedom of the job but it's a double edged sword. With the freedom can come loneliness and isolation.

What concerns me about Uni is firstly the travelling I will have to do. I have no idea, as yet, how many days a week I will need to be there. I'm hoping it's 3 like my last course, but I have a nasty feeling it will be 4. It probably wont be full days, but nevertheless I reckon I will have about 3 hrs of travelling a day. I have been pondering over this for some time and have come to two conclusions. I may stay down there some nights in a travelodge or I may move. I will see how it goes for a few months before I make the decision to move or not. Moving will come with it's own problems. Do I rent or do I buy? If I rent will they allow pets, a lot of tenants don't wont pet owners, and of course wherever I live will have to be suitable for the little bastards as well. It may do me good moving - I've lived in Dartford for far too long, but I don't think I want to make Canterbury or that general area a permanent base - only for the duration of the course - so would buying be a good idea? Decisions, decisions.

I'm also not looking forward to the hard graft involved in doing a degree. But I reckon if I really do like this course it wont seem like hard graft. At least that is the theory ;-) And finally there will always be the patronising lecturers who treat all students like imbeciles. Mind you, some are, but there is no assume we are all like that.

I'm meeting up with my friend from my 'old' course next week. She's a year in now so must be delighted to have come so far. But I still have no regrets about dropping out of that one. No, I really think that my new course is the one for me, ha ha, famous last words.

I feel like the weather............

2010-02-16T18:12:00.002Z

Wet and miserable ;-).

Well, not really miserable but I'm getting bored again. The buzz of my holiday has worn off and now I'm just surviving on rain and grey skies - which is not doing my psyche any good at all. I've been thinking about my summer holiday because I'm back to travelling mode again. Since I have got back in the saddle - still having my weekly riding lessons - I have decided that I would really like to go on a riding holiday for a week. I think my Dominican holiday buddy, who is also keeping up the lessons with me, is keen to do something like that as well. I would really like to go to Costa Rica, they do some good riding trips there, but since I will be at Uni again soon and holiday time is limited I will have to go away in August and it's the rainy season in Costa that time of year.

I was going to go away this week, for part of it. My sister has bought a house in Wales and will soon be moving down there to start a new life. She's down there this week with the kids and mother and I were also going to go down for a few days. But I had completely forgotten about who would like after the poopies (my cats) since all my cat sitters would be in Wales as well. So now I'll be going down at Easter instead. Probably just as well, because her heating is not working properly and it only gets to about 8 degrees inside her house - Kimmie does not do 'cold'.

I've never been to Wales. My sisters house is in a small village in the heart of the country - sounds nice. I think, like me, she wants to escape the rat race. However she has a pretty long drive to work each day and will still be doing a stressful job. But I guess coming home in the evening to peace and quite and beautiful scenery must soften the blow. Not sure if I would like to live in Wales, I have heard it rains a lot - Kimmie does not do 'rain'. But I do envy her in a way. I hate living in the South East with it's hectic pace of life. I hope her new life is all that she wants it to be and at least I'll have somewhere to escape to from time to time. My time will come though, of that I am sure. If I can just manage to complete at least one degree course in the next 20 years I will be off myself. Not sure where yet. Will have to consult with the poopies on that one.

Leona Lewis - Animals matter to me - WSPA UK

2010-02-11T23:59:00.000Z

Leona Lewis - Animals matter to me - WSPA UK: "By supporting WSPA's campaign for a Universal Declaration on Animal Welfare, you will become part of growing number of individuals that are prepared to take action to help end animal cruelty."

Insomnia.......

2010-01-24T18:19:00.003Z

For some reason I have had trouble sleeping the last few nights. Not like me at all. Sleeping is the thing I do best and my bed is my favourite place to be ;-). I went to bed last night around midnight and laid there for about an hour, not feeling the least bit tired. When I heard the church bells in Dartford town city chime 1am, I couldn't stand it any longer and got out of bed.

I decided to drive to the garage to get some more cigarettes and as I returned and pulled up outside my house, my big black cat (Mr W) came up to greet me. He looked up at me and gave a little cry and I sat down on the pavement and we had a cuddle and a chat. I like chatting to Mr W, he's such a sensible cat and I'm sure he understands exactly what I'm saying.

I can easily see why my cats sleep all day and go out at night. It's so peaceful that time of the morning. Mr W suggested that I go for a little walk with him. I do sometimes take 2 of my cats for walkies in the evening, only short ones. We just walk down the road to a place where there is a bench and a bit of green and have a wander around.

After the walk, we came back in and I watched a DVD, which was rubbish, and finally went to bed around 3am. People often tell me I am very 'cat like' in my behaviour and mannerism. Maybe I am actually turning into one ;-O. That would please Mr W.

Eye, eye.................

2010-01-24T18:09:00.003Z

The picture on the left is of my left retina. Pretty, isn't it?

I decided to have my eyes tested the other day, since it's been about 10 years since I last had one. And, since I am getting 'old', so people tell me, I thought I'd see if it were time I wore glasses.

As it happens my eyes are not that bad. Very slightly long sighted, but not bad enough to warrant getting glasses. I have to admit I was slightly disappointed. I quite fancied needing glasses for reading. Specs do seem to make one look slightly more intelligent.

Dominican Republic..........

2010-01-15T19:12:00.005Z

Had internet connection problems this week, but finally I have managed to get back on-line so I can tell you about my holiday.

We arrive in the Dominican to be greeted with a torrential down pour. The hotel we were booked into was experiencing room allocation problems; some had been flooded so they need volunteers to stay in another nearby hotel just for two nights. My friend, S, and I volunteered and we went over to the Victoria Golf and Beach resort. It was a much smaller hotel and was not on the beach, like the Gran Ventana, which we had originally been booked into. But residents of the Victoria could use the facilities of Gran Ventana and it was only a short walk away, so we ended up staying there for the duration of our holiday. It was much quieter and more designed for adult. The Gran Ventana, which looked lovely in the brochure, ended up being full of screaming kids and chavy families, so volunteering to move was actually a good result.

The rain continued for 2 more days – but at least it was still warm and on the Wednesday (we arrived on the Monday) we went rafting anyway, so the rain didn’t really bother us. The sun eventually came out though and it continued to remain sunny, but the weather turned again towards the end of the holiday and the clouds and rain showers returned.

I guess if you go away to lie by the pool and the beach for 2 weeks you might be slightly disappointed by the weather, at times, but we actually had lots of excursions lined up. After the rafting we did zip lining and waterfall cascading. We went out in ‘fun buggies’ which are basically a bit like go carts, and got absolutely soaking wet and covered in mud. The only thing that annoys me about these kind of excursions is they focus too much on recording the event to make a dvd, which they then try to flog you for $40 at the end of the day. Personally I find them a waste of money, unless you manage to get caught on camera lots of times – which I never seem to do.

We climbed mount Isabela de Torres St Torres, which you can see in the pics above. It was actually a very easy climb. It’s supposed to take about 3 to 4 hours, but our group did it in only 2. The views from the top are pretty amazing, but unfortunately the weather up there was not that great on the day of our climb and it was a bit overcast when we got to the top.

After climbing up we were supposed to get the cable car down, but they seemed to be experiencing mechanical problems. We waited about 40 mins for one to arrive, but there were lots of people in front of us so we didn’t get on it. Also, because we had not officially joined the que (don’t ask me why), and people who had arrived after us were now in front of us, it became obvious we would not get on the next one either. So we decided to jog back down the mountain instead. I’ve never run down a steep hill before and probably never will again. You can’t just run because once you start running, it’s impossible to stop. You constantly have to put the brakes on by stamping your feet into the road, otherwise the momentum of running downhill just makes you go faster and faster, until you have no way of stopping at all. My calf muscles were totally buggered for days afterwards.

I also went riding 3 times. Twice it was just short rides, for half the day, but on the last day of our holiday we went to this ranch which was located in a more rural area and we had the most fantastic day, riding across rivers, through villages and forests. If you ever go riding in the Dominican bring a banana with you. The horses out there don’t like carrots but they love a banana, skins et al.

We were based in the beach resort of Playa Dorada in Puerto Plata. It’s basically an artificial area, made up of lots of all inclusive hotels at which the majority of the evening entertainment is based. I wouldn’t say the entertainment, at either of the hotels we had access to, was that great. At the Gran Ventana, because it is a ‘family’ hotel, it has children’s entertainment on every evening until 9pm. The little delinquents should be tucked up in bed by 7pm, in my opinion, and if I ever hear the song Pia, Pia, Piano ever again, it will be a day too soon.

But to summarise I did have a great time. It was a good mix of activity and relaxation – I even managed to fit in a massage. I would have had more, but it wasn’t that cheap, about the same price as a massage at home. I would recommend the DR, but I guess it depends what you want out of a holiday. I perhaps would not recommend Playa Dorada because I think there are probably better places to stay and if you like beaches, the one here was a bit naff. I would also recommend the following company that arranged quite a few of our excursions.

Iguanamama

Let's rock n' roll............

2009-12-16T17:32:00.002Z

Only a few more days to go before my hols. And no, I am not flying British poxy Airways. Don't they always strike over the Xmas period? I'm pretty sure they did a similar thing last year. No, I am flying cheap and cheerfully with Thompson. After today's weather, with the odd snow flurry, I am looking forward, even more, to going away. Already I have booked a few excursions. We will be waterfall cascading on boxing day - hopefully. Not heard back from the people I booked that with yet. White water rafting on the 23rd and zip lining on the 28th. I'm pretty sure I'll be doing a few other excursions as well. So it will be a nice mix of relaxing and being adventurous. I've got my factor 50 on the ready so sunshine hear I come.

The horse riding lesson went well last week and I have another one booked for this Friday. If I feel confident enough after this weeks lesson I will probably do some riding on my hols.

Still not received a new car from any of my generous customers. But don't worry if it does not arrive until after I've left for warmer climates. Just slip the car keys through the letter box. Ha, ha, I'm so funny. I even make myself laugh at times. Joking aside I remember one year when I kept asking one of my regulars for a car (and it was a joke, I am not that calculating). He bought me a match box car and a box of miracle grow. IT DIDN'T WORK -HYMPH ;-)

Uni............

2009-12-08T11:24:00.002Z

I met up with one of my old Uni buddies last week, for lunch. She has just finished her placement and is back at uni again. Poor thing is feeling very stressed and under pressure from the course. It's particularly hard for her because she has two young kids and is finding it difficult to juggle the course work, placements and spending time with her kids. I really do admire her, because I found it difficult too and I only had myself to worry about. Although I did have my own difficulties with juggling work and uni life.

I think basically she wanted my advice because she was, at times, very close to quitting and is not sure whether or not she can cope with it for another 2 years. So I asked her if she liked what she was doing - because I didn't and that was the reason I quit. She said yes, so I advised her to stick with it. Although I did feel very under pressure at times, had I been really been keen to qualify and work in the profession I would have stuck at it.

The thing about 'health care' degrees, they are very intensive. You are not just doing a degree, you are learning a profession. It does make it a very useful degree because when you get it you are already qualified to work in your chosen profession. Apart from a 'professional development' point of view, you don't need further training. Unlike these 'media study' degrees, which in my opinion, are a waste of time.

I am kind of looking forward to getting back to uni, but at the same time since leaving I feel like a hugh weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I have realised that when I feel stressed, under pressure and pulled in every direction, my mental health does suffer. I have made the decision that when I do start my new degree I will have to make some changes. I need to allow myself some 'me' time and not study all the time. I need to allow time to see friends and enjoy myself. Not study, study, study constantly - which is what I was doing before. If it means my grades suffering slightly, then so be it. I will have to learn to be happy with just getting a pass, instead of trying to compete with everyone else and being the best.

Jingle bells, Jingle bells.........

2009-12-08T11:15:00.002Z

Two weeks before my holiday, la, la, la.

This will be the first Christmas when my mum and dad are totally on their own. I think my mum is bit upset about it. My sister is moving, quite a way away and will be moving into her new house over Xmas. My niece is spending it with her girlfriends family and my nephew, who is looking after my cats for the first week that I am away, has decided he does not want to be the only one to be spending Xmas with 'old people'. So he is going to spend it on his own at my flat.

Christmas day I'll probably be lazing around the pool, but we fully intend to do some excursions while we are out there. One of the things I would like to do is some horse riding. It has been about 22 years since I have been on a horse. I used to ride quite lot between the ages of 10 and 16. So myself and my holiday buddy (who has never ever ridden a horse) have booked a riding lesson for this Thursday. I'm interested in seeing how much I remember and how useless my friend is, ho, ho.

Ramblings

2009-12-08T10:57:00.002Z

Hi all

Just an update on little Kimmie's life of late.

Well first of all my car broke down yesterday. I had a problem with it on Sunday. I was reversing and there was this fairly loud bang. I thought I had reversed into my neighbours wall - it wouldn't be the first time. But no, I was quite a way from it. So I carried on driving over to my mums, but when I parked up I noticed the hand break was suddenly coming all the way when I pulled on it. Then on leaving my mums and driving down the hill I noticed the foot break did not seem right. It was working, but wasn't great.

I was with a friend at the time and we were on our way somewhere so I hummed and hawed whether I should go back home and take his car or continue in mine. Anyway, we decided to carry on in my car and I just drove very carefully.

I knew I had to take the car to the garage the next day and get it looked at. But as I was getting out of my parking space and reversing there was another bang. This time I could not move the car, backwards or forwards. It was as though the handbreak was stuck on. So there I was stuck in the middle of the road. Somehow I managed to very slowly nudge it back to the side of the rode. I knew I had AA membership through my current account so I rang them up. Guess what, it did not cover me for breakdown rescue at home. So I had to pay £88 pounds to upgrade it.

I was actually quite impressed because I only had to wait about 45 mins for someone to turn up. He rambled on about 'drums' etc and did a bit of tweaking but said it would have to go to a garage. So off we went, with my car in tow. Luckily there is a Kwik fit garage right in the Dartford town centre. Left my car with them, hoping it would not be anything too costly. Then got the dreaded call. Again the guy went on about 'drums', 'bearings' etc, etc as though he expected me to know what the hell he was going on about. £573 in total to sort it out - which does include one new tyre.

Funnily enough I had recently been pondering about getting a new car. Mine is nearly 10 years old now, about the age when things start to go wrong, and since I will be travelling down to Canterbury for uni I didn't want to be driving something that was likely to conk out on me.

There are quite a few other little things wrong with it too. My car alarm keeps going off, randomly, for no reason. Usually in the middle of the night, which must be pleasing the neighbours. My indicators sometimes go off when I'm driving and my I broke my car radio so can't listen to any music when driving.

I kept hoping that one of wealthier clients would buy me a new car and have dropped several hints over the years. It's not working though ;-).

Fireworks

2009-11-10T16:13:00.002Z

Well, I had my little firework party on Friday. At the beginning of the week Friday was meant to be dry and Saturday they forecast rain. By Friday it was the other way around - typical. So I tried to change it to Sat but my niece, who I had invited, could not make Sat eve so we decided to go ahead on Friday anyway.

I had ordered this box of fireworks from a website. It came with an assortment of fireworks so I figured that was easier than trawling round the shops. I have to say they were pretty damn impressive. Not really suitable for a small garden like mine. You're supposed to stand 25m away from them - hell my whole garden isn't even 25m long. There were a few tense moments when I thought my garden shed was going to burn down and when something flew into my eye - probably a bit of the packaging or shrapnel from an exploding firework. Nothing too serious then.

We managed to get through it with just the odd brief shower, until the very end when it started to piss down, but by then we only had 4 more to let off. Despite the dismal weather I still cooked some meat on the barbecue and we had burger, sausages, baked bean all served up with semi hard oven chips. This is what makes up Brits stand out from the rest. We stay strong in the face of adversity, in this case rain, and let nothing stop of us from achieving our goals. Last Friday night I felt proud ,and humbled, to call myself a British civilian ;-). Rule Britannia.

Happy Guy Fawkes.

2009-11-04T18:57:00.002Z

This year I have decided to have my own firework display in the garden. I have a few people coming over for the occasion and I'm going to cook some burgers and sausages on the bbq. So should be a nice evening, assuming the weather holds.

So this big box of fireworks has been sitting in my lounge for a few days now. Today I had a client and, noticing the fireworks, he starts telling me about the last time he had a firework display from home.

It suddenly bought back a memory of mine, from when I was a kid.

I grew up next to this boy, who was just 6 months my junior, so we were pretty close and best friends for years. Every summer he would spend about 4 weeks in France with his family. This particular year, when he returned from his hols, he bought back some fireworks that he had purchased in France and smuggled back through customs in his parents caravan. I think we must have been about 11/12 around this time.

It was the end of the summer holidays and we were bored, so he went indoors and came out with the very last firework he had left. I think it was a firecracker of something like that. It was just a small square block, made up of lots of small tubes filled with gun power?? or whatever they put in fireworks.

We had the idea of setting it of at the end of my parents garden, in the middle of the day in summer. We chose my garden because my parents had popped out for a little while.

So, down the end of the garden we trot, get the lighter out, ignite the fuse and stand back a few metres. Instantly this firecracker goes off. I'm not kidding you when I say it was one of the loudest fireworks I have ever heard. It sounded like we were in the middle of a war zone with guns being fired in all directions, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG. Then this cracker starts to move and begins to jump all over the garden (still banging away), in a random, completely psychotic manner.

It scared the life out of us and we just turned on our heals and legged it back up the garden. I recall, while running for my life, seeing one of our elderly neighbours looking over to my garden with this scowl on her face. I remember thinking 'that's it, I'm done for. She's going tell my mum and dad and they are going to fucking kill me'.

After 2 hours the thing finally run out of steam and come to rest (OK, it wasn't really 2 hours, but it sure as hell felt like it). By this time I was over the 'omg, my parents are going to fucking kill me', and we were both collapsing in fits of laughter. The noise was just so horrendous and not something one would expect to hear on a sunny afternoon in August, in a quiet residential area.

So then we venture back down to the end of the garden to assess the damage and when I saw the state of the garden I was back to the 'omg, my parents are going to fucking kill me'. The whole garden was covered in this white paper, from the cracker. We must have spent the next half an hour on our hands and knees picking the damn stuff up. Luckily we managed to clear the mess up before my parents got back, so they were none the wiser. And my neighbour never did tell on me - bless her.

It did make me chuckle when I thought about this today. I can still so vividly remember it, like it was last week. Oh, to be young, totally foolish and without a care in the world all over again.

Negative people..............

2009-11-04T11:11:00.004Z

My mum is the most negative person in the world.

I can head over to her house, full of beans and I will guarantee that as soon as I arrive she will say one or all of the following things.

You look tired

You look pale

You've lost weight.

Everytime it's one of the above. I'm thinking of turning up in future and saying, 'you look old', see how she likes that.

It's not just me she does this to. I was chatting to my niece the other day and we were having a moan about her (my mum) and my niece said exactly the same thing. That as soon as she gets there Grandma will start taking issue with things, especially her weight. My niece is on the big side, she knows she is big but at the end of the day she is happy with her weight. My mum likes to tell people what to do, how to do it, what to say etc, etc. It's rather irritating when you have reached adulthood and are quite capable of making your own decisions.

I normally see my mum about once a week, but since I made the decision to try and change my degree course I have been avoiding her. I knew she would ask me how Uni was and I just did not want to talk about that until I had secured my course change. So I bit the bullet last week and went round to her, with the intention of telling her my plans. So the dreaded question came up.

Mum 'How's uni'?

Me 'Well I wanted to talk to you about that'

Mum 'Oh my god, don't tell me, I don't want to know'

Me 'I've not dropped out as such, I'm just changing courses'

Mum 'I knew you were going to do that, I said to your father the other day you would drop out and he agreed with me'

Well done mum. You psychic abilities are working brilliantly - I wonder if she can give me the winning lottery numbers for this week?

And that was that really.

Onto the next conversation.

Mum 'I'm dreading Christmas'

Me 'Oh yer, I'm going away for Christmas'

Mum 'OK'

Me 'Is that it, just OK. Don't you want to know where I'm going or anything'

Mum 'where are you going? Lets just hope you like it this time, you keep going away and coming back early because you fall out with the person you have gone with'.

Which brings an instant end to that conversation.

That's it mum, lets focus on the negative. It's not that I mind her bringing it up, but she could do it in a my jovial way so we can have a laugh about it. After all, it is quite funny really. At the end of the day I think it's these little adventures I have in my life that makes me so endearing. The ability to fuck up on a regular basis is what makes me, ME. And I do it so well.............. ;-)

On a positive note, visiting my parents takes years of my age. When I arrive, I am a mature 40 year old. By the time I leave I feel like an insecure 12 year old, once again.

Feeling much happier at the moment.

2009-10-25T12:33:00.002Z

My change of course has been approved, which I am very relieved about. I have stopped my current course now and will have to start all over again in April. But to be honest that does not bother me too much. I firmly believe I have done the right thing and already my mood has improved. I could not envisage going through the next 2.5 years doing something that did not feel right to me and which was making me so utterly miserable. The only down side is there were no places left for the campus I have been going to, which is very local to me. I will now have to travel a bit further, but the alternative was to start in September instead, but I didn't want to wait another whole year before starting again. Who knows, I may consider moving if the travelling gets to much for me, but I'll worry about that later.

I have also booked a holiday to the Dominican Republic so will be getting away for some sun and r & r over Christmas and the New Year. I have commented in the past how much I dislike the Christmas period, so getting away, now that I have some time, seems like the right thing to do.

So, everything is hunky dory in the Kimmie household at the moment and I am a happy bunny once again.

I've been asked why..............

2009-10-07T16:40:00.002+01:00

I have not written on my blog for so long so thought it was time for an update.

I have not been feeling that great in myself, of late, so have refrained from writing. I don't want to always come across as someone who is moaning and miserable and all the time. Plus I have been very busy with my studies - until recently that is.

I've made it known a few times that I am not 100% happy with my degree course - or at least some aspects of it. It's not that I cannot cope with the studies, I actually like studying if it is something I am interested in. I passed all my assignments for the first semester and I actually got the highest marks in the exam we had to do just before breaking for summer. But after the summer break I seemed to lose momentum for what I was doing. The theory is very enjoyable, but as I have said before I do not really enjoy the placements. My chosen career path is not all that I imagined it would be and I find it rather boring and unfulfilling. There are reasons, but I will not go into those.

I'm in the process of trying to change pathways. It would mean starting a new course next April but it all depends on getting accepted onto this new course and a few other factors which I need to confirm with the Uni. It's not a decision I have taken lightly and something I have only told a few people. My biggest worry about doing this is disappointing my mum and dad. I have avoided seeing them for a month now and I think they have guessed something is up. But I know what they will think if I do this, that I can't stick to anything and I'll never get this degree. But I know can I can stick to things, if I am really passionate about what I am doing.

I will still have 20 odd years of work life ahead of me and I cannot spend it doing something I don't like. Just doing this course and feeling like this, is getting me down, so imagine if it was my day job for the next 20 years. So, I have to do what is best for me.

I will post something of a cheerier note soon.

Bye for now.

Placement now over.............

2009-08-01T09:32:00.003+01:00

Contrary to my last post I have to say I am now feeling very positive. See, this is one of my problem - my moods can change on a daily basis.

My last two days of placement went very well. I produced some pretty good work and I also got some positive feedback from certain members of staff, which really did please me. I think the trouble with me is, I don't like not being good at something and I hate it when I mess up or make mistakes. I have always been this way. I am one of this people who takes great pride in the things I do and I don't like failing at something. So when I do something wrong or feel I could have done something better, it get's me down. When I am doing things well and get a lot of praise, then I feel on top of the world - which is the way I am feeling right now.

Yep, I'm certainly a bit screwed up in the old head area. But oh well, I am what I am and doubt I will change after all these years. I am just glad I am feeling happier again ;-).

Just got my exam to get through next Wednesday, so will be doing lots of studying for that over the next few days and do not plan on working now until the 6th.

xx

You know what........

2009-07-29T16:43:00.003+01:00

I keep getting mixed feelings about this degree course. Sometimes I feel really positive about it, then the next week I'm telling myself that it's not for me. On the positive side I love the interaction with the patients, I'm really good with them. I'm a bit of a chatter box and I think they like the fact I make the time to chat to them. But it's kinda frowned upon, it's all about getting them in and out as quick as possible. Which I can understand as the department I work in can get really busy at times. But I wanted to work in the NHS so I could help people. It gives me such pleasure to do something for someone that is hopefully going to benefit them. So far every patient I have come into contact with has been really nice. Because I am a student I am a bit slow at doing things at times and I do apologise, but they are always really great about it. Since doing these placements it has really restored my faith in human nature. I get so much gratification out of making someone smile and being pleasant to people and I do think I have really good people skills. Despite the fact I have said before, on my blog, that I don't like people very much, ha ha. It's just rude people with anti-social behaviour I don't like.

On the negative side the job is a lot more challenging than I envisaged. I do like a challenge but I just don't know if I am cut out for this. I don't feel that I am very good at it and that bothers me. I used to think I was pretty bright. I don't mean Mensa standard but perhaps slightly above average intelligence. Now I am starting to doubt that. I decided to do an on-line IQ test the other night. It took 30 mins and after I'd completed it I pressed the submit button and guess what, I had to bloody well pay to see the results. It never mentioned that at the beginning. I thought bugger that. I'm not going to pay to potentially find out I've the IQ of a chimpanzee.

But all this confusion in my life is affecting my mental health. I can feel the dreaded depression rearing it's ugly head. Even my mum has noticed I seem a bit down lately. I feel so tired as well. The job is physically demanding at times, but I feel unnaturally tired. One day on placement the other week I went in as usual but felt weird, like light headed and not quite myself. Someone actually asked me if I was ok, because normally I talk a lot, but I just felt like I couldn't be bothered. I couldn't focus on what I was doing so at 10am asked if I could go home. As soon as I got in I went and laid down on the bed. The next thing I knew I woke up and checked the clock and it was 4pm. I could not believe I had slept for so long.

I'm hoping this 5 week break coming up will recharge my batteries and I will start to view things in a different light. I think I am also missing my holidays. The last one I had was that awful one to Cuba last year. Fitting a holiday in now is hard. When I'm not at uni I need to do my escorting to pay the bills and I no longer have the money to go on exotic holidays. I'm hoping at the end of this academic year I will be able to squeeze in a holiday somewhere. I fancy Costa Rica and seen a holiday that would suit me down to the ground.

When people say it's hard to get out of 'prostitution' they ain't wrong ;-).

No electricity......................

2009-07-26T10:07:00.003+01:00

So, who else lost their electricity this week?

In case anyone is reading and does not have a clue what I am talking about, the whole of Dartford, and some surrounding areas, were without electricity from about Monday lunchtime to various times on Wed. I got mine back in the evening, but my parents had it from lunchtime.

Apparently there was a fire somewhere which was the cause of this power cut. I only got my electricity back on Wed evening because they put a generator in the street. The first thing I did was have a hot bath. It's funny when you lose a basic utility, which you take for granted. You realise you can't make put the kettle on and make yourself a cup of tea, but then you go and wash your hair and for a split second get confused when you plug the hair dryer in and find it doesn't work. The amount of times I would go to the bathroom in the evening, with torch in hand, but still pull the light chord as I entered the bathroom - duh!

I was at the hospital when it happened. All the power went out for a few seconds, then the generator kicked in. I just assumed the power problem was confined to the hospital. I decided to go home for lunch as I had not had time to make sandwiches in the morning and I had forgotten to bring any money with me to buy something.

When I get home I realise the power cut is more widespread. My bread rolls are in my freezer so, without having the power to use the microwave to defrost them, I decide to pop down the local COOP to buy a sandwich. The COOP is closed due to the power cut. Just having a cup of tea would be better than nothing. I then remember I have a gas barbecue with a hob, so I stand outside in the wind, heating a pan of water on that. Later, back at the hospital, we were discussing the lack of electricity, when someone mentioned that, 'at least they had a gas oven'. It was then that I remembered, 'so do I' . So I could have defrosted my roll in that and boiled the water inside - another case of, duh!

But all's well, that ends well and I survived the raping and pillaging that went on in the evenings, as dartford was thrown into total darkness.

Apparently Ofgem have fined EDF £2 million for this fiasco. But what I'd like to know is what happens to that £2 million. It's all very well fining these companies but that does not benefit the customer. I'd like to see businesses and residents, effected by this incident, get some of that money to compensate them for lost business and for all the food in our freezers that had to be thrown out. I doubt we will see a penny though.

Updates, updates

2009-07-11T12:36:00.003+01:00

Hello

I really must make more of an effort to post on my blog. At least once a week would be nice.

My degree course consumes so much of my time though. I think what is hard about this particular course is you have the academic side to focus on, then you have the placements, which also involve a lot of learning. I have my first exam the first week of August, so once I get in from placement I also have additional studying to do. Well, I don't do it every night. Some evening I am just so tired. Last night I did plan to do some studying as I have not done any for a few days. I lay on my bed about 7pm thinking I'll start in a minute. The next thing it was 11.30, when I woke up bursting to go to the loo. I went straight back to bed and woke up again at 8.30 this morning. I still feel tired though ;-).

I am enjoying my placement more this time around. There is much less standing around doing nothing, which is the main thing that bothered me last time. The only issue I really have is that starting all over again at my age is tough. I am having to prove myself all over again and at times situations make me feel like I am 12 years old. Most of the staff where I work are really nice. But there is the odd one who will talk down to you. One in particular is a youngish girl (younger than me anyway) who has only just qualified herself, but she is like a little Hitler. On the one hand she is very good at explaining things and giving you tips, but on the other she likes to throw her wait around and can be quite patronising times.

I find it surprising since she is so newly qualified. I would have thought she would have a bit more empathy towards students. Yesterday she asked me this question. I gave her my answer, the answer which I had learnt from one of my text books. She just glared at me and asked me the question again. I gave her the same answer. So she asked me it again, in a firmer tone. I had realised by now that she did not like my answer, lol. However it's a shame she did not realise that that was the only one I had and asking me over and over again was not going to get her the answer she wanted. So in the end I admitted defeat and said, 'I obviously don't know then'. So she told me the answer - the one she wanted. In the evening I got home and got my manual out, I could have sworn I gave her the right answer. Guess what, I had. But that is the trouble. The text book may say one thing, but in practice people have different ways of doing things. Sorry I cannot be more specific with what I am talking about, but I can't.

There are so many times throughout an average day, on placement, that I find myself in a situation when I have done or said something dumb. Which then makes me feel even more stupid and it does knock my confidence a bit. I know I am not a stupid person, but I have to keep telling myself this on a daily basis and try and not let things get to me. One of the students on my course annoys me a little too. She is only 20 and I do like her, but I find her bossy. I'll be doing something and she'll be watching me and can't help but poke her nose into what I am doing. Questioning why I am doing something the way I am doing it and then telling me how she would do it. I mean she is bright and picks things up a lot quicker than I do. But I think when you are young and haven't really done much else, work wise, it's easier to start learning something new and adapting.

My brain certainly does not function as well it did 20 years ago. I have difficulty in remembering the little details, like a patients name. I will just have asked them to confirm their name and 5 mins later I have forgotten what it is. It really pisses me off. It's just a case of me not paying attention.

Academically I feel I am doing OK, so far. I just got the results to one of the first essays I did and I got 70%, so was pleased with that. I should get the results to another one next week.

I do apologise that I am not replying to emails and phone messages that quickly. Sometimes I just don't realise how long it has been since I last turned on my phone or checked emails. That is what I mean by this course being so consuming on my time.

Anyway, got to ready for an appointment and then some studying, yawn. Role on my summer break - I really do need it now.

Helloooooooooooo

2009-06-04T17:25:00.003+01:00

I am not going to be talking about uni today, because it's boring me now. I can't say I'm exactly 'living the dream', but then, what is the dream???

If I could do anything I wanted I would really like to work with animals. I don't mean dogs and cats, as much as I like them, but animals that we would traditionally think of as wild.

I found this volunteer programme called 'walking with lions', which I would LOVE to go on.

http://www.travellersworldwide.com/17-zimbabwe/17-zimbabwe-lions.htm

Maybe I will, when I finish my degree, but I'll probably be frantically looking for a job by then. But can you just imagine cuddling up to big, furry lions and taking them for walks?

I would love to work somewhere like that, or any kind of wildlife sanctuary. I'd do it for free if I won the lottery. I think I'm a country girl at heart. I can see myself riding bareback across the planes of Africa, with my sunfactor 50 on. Stopping to have a little chat with a family of elephants, fixing a few fences and sitting around the camp fire in the evening singing Kumbaya.

As long as there was a Boots a spa and a gym nearby, I'd be happy as larry.

Oh yes, I had some news today. My niece has just got engaged - to a women. Bless her, I think she is too young to settle down, she has just left her teenage years, but what can ya do. You can't put a wise head on young shoulders. Not that I have a wise spare head to give her, I still have not found one for myself.

Do I mind my niece being gay???? Nah, not at all, as long as she is happy and I think she has been the happiest I have ever seen her. Her girlfriend is a really nice girl. What I really would like to ask her is what roles they take on in the bedroom. Is one the guy and the other the girl? Do they use strap-ons and vibrators, you know, the normal kind of questions an outsider would like to know. I think my niece would die of embarrassment if I asked her though questions so I'll wait until she is a bit older ;-).

We did all think that maybe it was just a phase she was going through, at least my mother was hoping this was the case. I asked my niece today if she was 100% gay or was she bi, because when she first came out she said she was not sure. But now it seems she definitely is into the ladies and not men. So I asked her if she ever fancied me and she said no - which was a relief, ha ha.

I think her younger brother may also bat for the other side. He's quite effeminate and not at all into 'boy' stuff. Funnily enough I saw him yesterday and we were talking about his sister. So I asked him, like you do, if he fancied men. He wasn't exactly cross with me, but he said he gets this question all the time from his friends at school and he is not going to put up with it at my place as well. Fair enough. But surely if he were not gay he would have just said, 'euuuggh, don't be disgusting', or something along those lines?

I don't care if he is or not, I think its good to be different.

Flowers.......

2009-05-02T09:59:00.004+01:00

The doorbell went this morning, at 9.30, and I nearly didn't bother answering it because I had just got out the bath and was wrapped in a towel. I did have an appointment at 11am this morning and I suddenly thought, 'what if that's my customer and I've got the time wrong', which isn't unheard of with me. So I rush up and get the door.

This guy is standing there with a big bunch of flowers. I know him fairly well as he has delivered quite a few bouquets to me over the years. 'Happy birthday', he says. I thank him and tell him that it is actually not until tomorrow and that it's my big 40. The rather nice thing was he didn't believe me. Now I know, he could have been just flattering me, but I think he was being genuine, which was rather a nice start to the day. I told him the key to youthfulness is not to get married or have kids. Then he told me he had done neither, which kinda shattered my theory. But then again he could have been 100 so maybe he did look good for his age, ha ha.

But back to my flowers. Thank you so much to my lovely friend who sent them to me. I have thanked him personally of course. I didn't expect any, so it was a lovely surprise.

Hi, it's been a while.

2009-04-27T17:31:00.003+01:00

University life is hectic, which is why I have not updated my blog for so long. I was just getting used to attending lectures and think I had got into the swing of things, then I'm sent on placement.

I can't talk too much about it, but suffice to say I'm not enjoying it that much. But I think that is because I am doing something that is new and alien to me and I am way out of my comfort zone. I have good days and bad days. Today was actually a good day as I was busy and occupied for all of it. Some days, because there are so many students, it's a struggle to keep busy and if there is one thing I hate more than anything is standing around, trying to look busy, but actually having nothing to do.

I don't feel that is that well organised where I am. Some of the over students, at other places, have much more structure to their day. Where I am its a 'free for all' and you are basically left to find someone to work with. With the amount of students here its not always possible and nobody seems to say anything or even notice if you are at a lose end, which I think is really bad.

I'm not about to quit or anything, although I would certainly consider it if things did not improve on placements further down the line. As for the career I have chosen to follow, again I am not 100% sure its for me, but I fully intend to have a good crack at it. Give it a year at least - it's too soon to just give up without giving it a chance. I am not the only student struggling at the moment. I have been talking to the others and they feel as frustrated as I do about the general lack of organisation.

I am doing fine with the general course work though. I make time to do a bit of reading most evenings so I am getting on top of my anatomy and I have already completed one essay which does not have to be in until 26th of May. Mind you, I have sent to one of the lecturers for feedback and I may well have done it all wrong and will have to start again from scratch. Hopefully this will not be the case.

Academically I think I will do fine as I am a hard worker, but I do not seem to have a natural aptitude for this particularly job. I am having trouble getting my ahead around certain things. But sometimes with me I can be quite slow at picking things up in the beginning, then suddenly it all clicks into to place and I'm away at 100 miles an hour. I am hoping this will be the case here.

I have been feeling a bit emotional lately, I think it's because I feel so out of my depth. Its funny because I was chatting to a fellow student last week and telling her how I felt. She was amazed because she said I come across so confident and I appear to know what I am doing. I thought the same about her, but she also said she was also on an insecurity trip. Its strange how on the outside you can appear strong but inside you are falling apart.

I think another thing I am finding difficult is that I am now nearly 40, but a student again. And it doesn't matter what you are studying, but students just seem to get treated like they are complete idiots, which makes you feel about 12 years old. Some of the staff I have worked with are great and so lovely. They really go over things with you and answer all your questions and guide you a lot. Whereas others make it quite clear you are a nuisance and you can almost hear their eyes rolling in their heads when you do something wrong.

Well, I'm going to sign of now. I'm sorry I have not had more positive things to say, but I'm sure it will get better over the ensueing months.

Greetings, from planet Kim............

2009-03-27T15:14:00.002Z

Can I just say a big thank you to everyone who has sent me emails, or posted a comment on here, reassuring me and giving me encouragement to do this degree.

I do feel so much better now, 5 weeks down the line. I am finally getting to know people, although I still can't remember half the names. I am also getting into the swing of uni life and I feel a lot more confidence about the whole experience.

I still realise the next 3 years are going to be hard work. I have done so much reading and studying the last few weeks, I feel like my head will explode.

I now have a 2 week break and so I will be available more hours, however I still have a lot of work to do for Uni so I will still be limiting the hours I work each day. I'm going to fit some R&R in as well as I feel so tired at the moment and I need to catch up on some sleep.

Clocks go forward this weekend, so don't forget, peeps.

University life is so.................

2009-03-17T22:36:00.005Z

Hard. Only 3 weeks in and I feel exhausted already. Maybe I am just trying too hard to keep on top of things, I'm not sure. The lectures are fast paced. You learn one thing, then move onto something else. I'm struggling to keep up and take everything in. At the moment I am wondering whether or not I can do this. Not that I am thinking of giving up - I can't and won't do that. But I'd be lying if I said I was finding this easy.

I'm still feeling like a little lost lamb. I know my way around the Uni, it's not that big, but I still cannot remember most of the names of the people in my group and I don't really feel like I am getting to know anyone that well. I feel a bit anti-social at the moment. In fact if I am honest I am probably a bit of anti-social person. People who know me will probably find that hard to believe, because I am very friendly. But I was trying to explain this to someone today. I find that I don't like people very much. Odd thing to say considering my job, ha ha. It's not that I don't like ANYONE, it's just that unless I really like someone, then I can't be bothered to interact with them. Does that make sense? It's not that I don't like any of the people I have met. It's just that I have not met anyone that I feel I have a connection with. I guess it's too early for connections to be made. So at the moment I just can't be bothered. I think the main problem is I am still trying to take everything in and trying to keep on top of things that I have not had much time to spend networking. I'm sure once I get into the swing of things that will change.

The other Sunday I came down with a stomach bug, or food poisoning - not sure which. I spent the Sunday night sleeping in the bathroom throwing up and other stuff - you know what I mean. It was like a scene from the Exorcist in there. Everything that came up or out was green - no lie.

There was no point in sleeping in my bed, I needed the toilet too frequently. So I slept on the cold hard floor, with my duvet over the top of me and the cats coming in and out of the bathroom bothering the hell out of me. All I could think about was being well enough to go to Uni on the Monday.

I managed to get up, despite the lack of sleep and feeling like crap and went to Uni. I came home at midday though and went back to bed. Later in the day I got up and all I could think about was getting down to some studying. So I sat on the floor in the lounge, still feeling like crap, trying to muster the enthusiasm to open a book. Then I just burst into tears. I felt so sorry for myself. I just wanted some TLC and was feeling so overwhelmed by University. I ended up calling my mum and she came and brought me home with her took care of me for the evening. It's times like that that mum's really come in handy. And I showed my gratitude and appreciation by passing on my little bug to her - sorry mum.

So, it was not a good start to my University career. I'm still feeling a bit lost and worrying about keeping up with the workload, working and trying to maintain some resemblance of a social life as well. It could be worse though. I could have kids to take care of, there are a few women on the course with young kids. How they cope I do not know.

Just 1.5 weeks to go then I have a 2 week break, which I am really looking forward to. Not that I will be relaxing, we already have several assignments we have to work on. Then after that I have a 5 week placement in a hospital, which I am looking forward to.

I have to say that some of the subjects we are doing are pants. I have my specialised subject which is what I really want to do, but then I also have Professional development skills and Psycho-social aspects - which is poop. I'm really not into sociology type subjects. They always seem to be full of mumbo jumbo to me. Give me facts and figures and I'm fine. But theories and subjective subjects just bore the pants out of me.

Well I gotta get to bed. I have an exam on Friday. Not a hard one just another piece of rubbish we have to complete to pass the first year. It's just a test on Word, part of this stupid ECDL programme. You can do it at your own pace, but you just need to get it done August. I thought I'd try and get it out of the way so I don't have to worry about it.

Speak soon - if I can find the time ;-)

Angels or savages - who would have children?

2009-02-24T23:55:00.002Z

This article is for all the people who have tried to convince me that having kids is an amazing experience. I agree with everything this lady says. Although I do not have children I have spent a great deal of time with other people's, so I can relate to a lot of what she says.

I think this is a great article and anyone and everyone who is thinking about having kids should probably read her book.

A new book is causing a storm of controversy by labelling children as annoying and pointless - a charge made all the more inflammatory by the fact that its author is a mother. Entitled No Kid: 40 Reasons Not To Have Children, Corinne Maier's book has sparked fury in France, where it was published.

Corinne Maier says children bring only pain, misery and expense

Corinne Maier, 43, a writer, who lives with her boyfriend Yves, 45, a psychiatrist, daughter Laure, 13, and son Cyrille, 10, in Brussels, argues her case.

Children are just too much work. They just aren't worth the hassle. Parents today are put under so much pressure to bring up perfect children, but what's the point? They are just walking problems to which you constantly have to find solutions.

The world is in the grip of baby mania, with celebrities flaunting their pregnant bellies in magazines, live births on TV and everyone demanding the right to have a baby at any cost.
To be a la mode, the must-have accessory is a baby.

If you can't make your own, then a whole business has sprung up to service your needs and now as long as you've got the cash, you can buy IVF, eggs, sperm or even children.

Anyone who dares to be different and suggest that being child-free is the better option is vilified as immature or selfish. It's a brave woman who will stand up for her right not to have children.

Let's start at the beginning with my first reason for being anti-children: labour is torture.
Even with anaesthetic it's the worst pain you'll ever feel. Anyone who tells you it will be a beautiful experience is lying. It's more like that scene from the film Alien, where the monster bursts from an astronaut's stomach.

Then there's breastfeeding. Everyone tells you breast is best, but no one tells you it hurts like hell. If you opt out and bottle-feed you're made to feel guilty for "going against nature".

Get over these early hurdles and you hit the big one: how to keep your child amused and happy.
This will fast become one of your most hated jobs. The moment you give birth you can forget leisurely lie-ins, last-minute trips or a spontaneous roll in the hay with your partner.

Instead, your weekends revolve around being woken at the crack of dawn to traipse around the zoo or watch minimum wage actors cavort in cartoon costumes at Disneyland; sitting through stupid kids' films and eating in "child friendly" restaurants. In my opinion this alone is reason enough not to have a child.

But perhaps the weekends aren't so bad when you look at the monotony that is the life of a working mother. Your career is on hold in a dull job, because it's the only way you can get out of work on time to pick up your children from school or take a day off when they get sick.

I stayed for years in a job that bored me - as an economist - just so I could get out early to pick my children up. I worked all day, and then came home to shopping, cooking, cleaning and hours of homework, and all so my kids could treat me like a maid. It was so boring.

Being a working mum is like being in prison, but there's no time off for good behaviour and no electronic tags you can wear for a brief trip back to the freedom you've given up for your offspring.

I found the hardest thing to give up when I had my children was my personal freedom.
There is no time left to be you any more. If I hadn't had them, I would have spent my money travelling the world. I could enjoy my money, rather than being stuck at home waking them up every day in time for school.

Once you have children, there is no space for spontaneity any more. We tried to go to an art exhibition last weekend which we'd been looking forward to for ages, but we had to take the kids along and they hate art. They whined so much that we gave up and left without seeing anything.

If you thought your friends would help you get through parenthood, then you've got another thing coming. When your friends have children, conversation shrinks to how "Oscar's using the potty now" or "Alice slept the whole night". Nothing is more mind-numbingly boring than "mummy talk".

Make no mistake, bringing up children is war, and you're on the losing side.

Every time you plan a little escape they will undermine you. Just as you are off to bed with your partner, they'll throw up; the one night you book a babysitter they'll come down with a fever; on your birthday they'll throw a tantrum as you're stepping out of the door - you just can't win.
Perhaps this is why children are such effective passion killers. Take my advice, if you want to stay together, avoid baby-making.

What hope is there of a fulfilling sex life when a woman is forced to turn into a fat, deformed animal decked out in sack-like dresses? Far from the beautiful images on the front of magazines, the ugly reality usually means a long cold spell between the sheets.

Even once the baby is born, nights punctuated by feeds and a crying baby leave you so exhausted that any thawing in that department is a long way off.

As you bid adieu to your sex life, your relationship is quick to follow. You go from being a couple to being Mummy and Daddy.

Your job as a parent comes first, and the romance in your lives is replaced by DIY and dusting.
Now, my boyfriend Yves and I are parents first and a couple second. Our relationship hasn't been the same since we had children and I miss the romance.

Of course, millions of parents will read this and get all defensive and think that it's all worth it because those angels of theirs are sweethearts. But they're not: they're little savages.

If you've disagreed with me up to this point and you still think you can cope with the emotional cost of a child, then perhaps you should consider the financial one.

Kids cost a fortune. First the family car and the house, then there's basics like food and clothes, and that's before they start pestering you for the latest toy.

A lot of people decide to have children to build a family around themselves, as a refuge from the world so they won't be lonely and will be loved for who they are.

Certainly, I often wonder why I had children. I think it was because I am an only child I thought I would be less alone if I had a family. Now I've learned that being in a family can bring a new kind of loneliness.

People often ask me what my children think of the book, but they don't give a damn. They live in their own world and I live in mine. I would never give my daughter advice on whether she should have children. I don't care if I have grandchildren or not, but I know that if I do, I don't want to look after them too often.

The idea of a cosy picture postcard family is fantasy and the whole "loving family gathered around the Christmas tree" image is a lie.

More murders and child abuse happen within families than outside them - every family is a nest of vipers: all the more reason not to add to your own.

Even if you are savvy enough to realise that having children won't add up to having the perfect family, another parent trap is believing that it's OK to put off your dreams in the hope that your kids will fulfil them.

But if you have no children you are free to make your own dreams come true now, surely a more attractive option.

If you can't bring yourself to give up on the idea of children as your future, what future do you see for them?

Financial and job security are things of the past, housing is beyond expensive, the planet is suffering from over-population - do you still think it's such a good idea to bring yet another baby into this world?

They could end up being your problem for the rest of your life. What a prospect.

Instead of pitying the child-free, we should be envying them, I know I do. Because as a mother-of-two I know better than most why having children is a big mistake.

First day at University today.............

2009-02-24T17:22:00.003Z

I discovered at the weekend that I did not have to go in on Monday, so I had another day to get used to the idea of being a student again.

Everything went swimmingly, except for the fact I overslept. I had set my alarm for 6.30 so I could get up, have a bath, a few cups of tea and take my time. Instead I woke up at 7.45, skipped the bath so went to uni honking, ha ha, and just managed the one cup of tea. But I still managed to get there early.

This week all the students, on all the courses, are lumped in together. The start time was 9am, but it was amazing how many students turned up late. For the first hour there was a constant dribble of people arriving. In the end the speakers got pretty pissed off by this, which is fairly understandable.

I would say 99% of us are women, which is a shame, I like a nice mixture but I guess the sector I have chosen to go into is fairly female dominated. There are also a large amount of 'mature' students, like myself. I met up with a guy that I had met when I came for the interview. He actually recognised me first. I was looking at him and thinking he looked familiar, but couldn't quite place him. I was hoping he was not someone I had serviced at some point, ha ha. So we hung around with each other for most of the day.

This week is an induction week, so I am in for the rest of the week. It's basically listening to people talk about the course, the facilities, getting PC access, library pass - that sort of thing. Tomorrow I am only in for about 1.5 hours so a nice early finish. Thursday and Friday are all day jobbies and then the proper timetable starts next week.

It's been a long wait but I am finally here, I don't think it has sunk in yet. But it was great getting up this morning and getting in my car to be somewhere, like normal people do. Yes, I suddenly feel like I am rejoining the human race again ;-)

Soon to be a student again............

2009-02-16T11:56:00.003Z

So, one more week to go and then off to Uni, at last.

People keep asking me if I am nervous and I can't say I really am. Apart from the fact that doing presentations is part of the course and I hate having to stand up in front of people and talking. I feel really awkward and shy. I'm fine in small groups, but when there are loads of eyes staring at me I feel all tongue tied and never know where to look. But that is something I will have to get over I suppose. But that is one thing I am not looking forward to.

There is one other thing that feels me trepidation though but it has nothing to do with studying. That is the fact that my life will be very organised and and mapped out for me, over the next few years. No longer will I be able to book a holiday when the mood takes me, or have a day off if I don't feel like doing anything. Most people's lives are like that, mine once was and I have enjoyed being a free spirit over the last few years.

Prior to escorting I did temp work for a couple of years and I loved it. Previously I had always worked for a companies as a fully fledged member of staff. When I did temping I liked that fact that if I didn't like the job or the people I worked with I could always leave and get another job somewhere else. And some of the jobs were fairly short term so I may only be there for a week or a few months. I liked the variety with temping, meeting different people and working in different situations. I don't think I ever did leave a job because I didn't like it, but knowing I could do that had a positive effect on me and took away the feeling of being trapped.

Feeling trapped on being overwhelmed by something I have no control over is one thing that can a negative effect on my mental health at times. Not that I am saying university will because I have so much to look forward to once it is completed and another new chapter to look forward do. Plus it's something I have chosen to do and am very much looking forward to.

I'm a funny old bean really. I guess being on my own and not having children is perhaps something I have also chosen, subconsciously, because it leaves me free to do whatever I please and I don't have anyone relying on me or putting demands upon me. Is that sad? I don't really know and I don't know where these feelings manifest from as no-one else in my family appears to be that way.

But I see a lot of people who are unhappy with their lives and because of work and family commitment's it's almost impossible for them to do anything about it or change their situation. I wonder if I am alone in feeling this way, or perhaps a lot of people do but they just grin and bear it and get on with their lives in the best way they can?

Strange old world, innit?

Ahhhhhh, so cute.............

2009-02-04T10:08:00.012Z

1"It was a chance encounter that could have ended with flying fur and bloodshed in the snow.

Wildlife photographer Norbert Rosing was taking pictures of a team of huskies in Canada's frozen north when a polar bear gatecrashed the party.

Along with dog handler Brian Ladoon, Mr Rosing watched helplessly as the bear and one of the dogs approached each other

The bear gives the husky a stare that says beware

They growled and bared their teeth. But then, instead of fighting, the enemies became firm friends.

First the bear gently nuzzled the husky's neck. The dog responded by rising on its hind legs to lick the Bear's face.

The bear then rolled on its back to play as the husky looked on, somewhat bemused".

After the encounter, which took place on the coast of the Hudson Bay near the town of Churchill, the dog trotted back to its mightily relieved owner.

But Polar Bear returned every night that week to play with the dogs.

1 http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-550612/Killer-polar-bear-Im-just-big-teddy-really.html

Girls just wanna have fun..............

2009-02-02T13:49:00.007Z

Not working today now. Partly out of choice and partly because the phone is dead. I think everyone is snowed in. I'm not sure what will happen tomorrow. I have a couple of appointments booked in - but weather permitting.

It's quite lovely outside. I decided to walk to the shops, instead of taking my car as I don't like driving in the snow. I was going to go for a walk with my parents over hall place. They wanted to take some pics in the snow and then have a drink in the pub there. But we decided to leave it for today and see whats it like tomorrow instead. If my customers cannot make it, I guess that is what I will be doing.

My cats are not impressed with the snow. Last night I tried to coax them outside. There I was in my dressing gown and trainers, calling them. They just sat by the back door looking at me, like I was crazy. They are the ones with the nice warm fur coats yet they are light weights.

Eventually my fat girl cat came out. Typical, us girlies braving the snow storm and the boys just sitting in the warm watching. Fat girl looked so sweet though. She looked up at me and her head was covered in snow like a little hat.

Eventually Mr T gingerly stepped outside the door and tip toed along the path, avoiding the snow and just touching down where it had melted. I see potential in him for ballet dancing though.

I eventually came in and left fat girl out there. I watched her from the kitchen window and saw her kicking the snow about with her paws and then jumping in the air as though she was pouncing on a mouse. Girls really do know how to have fun ;-)

Fuck....... I'm turning into my parents, again

2009-02-02T09:49:00.004Z

First of all, I have to comment on the snow. Wow, loads of it out there. I've just been in the garden, building a snow man and I'm going to sledge down East Hill later ;-).

Change of subject:

I have a table in my kitchen, where I sit at my laptop. The kitchen window, which looks onto the garden, is just in front of me. I put a couple of bird feeders on the garden fence a few years ago so I get a steady flow of birds visiting and having a bite to eat.

Its actually really nice sitting here sometimes, just watching them come and go and I do get a good variety of birds. I was sitting here just now and two sparrow sized birds turn up, but they were not sparrows. So I'm squinting trying to see any distinguishable markings to identify them. I'm sure I see a spot of red of the head of one of them.

'Damn', I'm thinking, if only I had some binoculars and a book of birds. Suddenly an image flashed into my mind. I saw my parents kitchen and the small binoculars and bird book they keep permanently on the window ledge.

Which suddenly reminds me. My mums cat caught the little Robin that frequented her garden, the other week. She cried when she saw what he had done. Think I would too if any of my cats hurt my garden birds.

I never used to be interested in birds, nor gardening and yet very slowly both this activities have become more appealing to me over the years - just got to say at the moment I have a little Robin and a black bird eating the fat pellets I have just put out.

I get lots of black birds. I think I have 3 sets and I reckon they are mates because they often turn up together. Or maybe they are related.

University................

2009-01-29T10:26:00.003Z

I had a letter yesterday from the Uni and I am now in possession of my timetable for the first couple of semesters.

I was given wrong information about what days I attend uni, it's actually Tue and Wed that I don't go in (although occasionally I will have to attend on a Tue and rarely I will have to attend on a Wed am). Thu and Fri are half days. One is am, one is pm depending on what group you are in. I will probably work on one of those half days as well

I have also discovered that I have 10 weeks placement this year. That basically means I will be spending time in a hospital getting practical experience. I didn't realise I would have that much in the first year. When I am on a placement I do get Wednesdays off for study, so I will be able to work that day, but no other week day. I will be working full days while on placement and I wont necessarily be sent to the hospital in Dartford. However I will probably work one day at the weekend. It's going to be tough fitting everything in this year.

Below is my timetable up to September, although I will also be posting this on my 'news and availability' page on my website.

23 Feb to 27th UNIVERSITY BLOCK
30th Mar to 10 April HOLIDAY
13th April to 15th May PLACEMENT
18 May to 26 June UNIVERSITY BLOCK
29 June to 31 July PLACEMENT
3 Aug to 7 Aug EXAM WEEK
10th Aug to 11th Sep HOLIDAY

Holiday time I plan to work my usual 5 or 4 days a week, although I may try and fit a holiday in somewhere, if I can afford it.

Next year things change slightly because they year start date is changing to 26th April, instead of February.

Hello, long time no write........

2009-01-24T16:50:00.005Z

Some people have asked if I am ok, because I have not written for a while. Well, to be honest, I have had a few not so good months. I did get a bit depressed around Xmas time and into the New Year. There was a reason, which I don't wish to divulge, but things seem to be sorted now and I am feeling much better. I am feeling much more optimistic about things again and very much looking forward to starting my course, which is about a month away now.

I have found out that I will probably not be at Uni on Monday and Tuesdays, apart from the odd occasion when I may have to go in for extra curricular activities. So for the most part I should be able to work those days and do my homework ;-).

I'm sitting here looking out of my kitchen window and delighted that it is only just getting dark, so slowly the nights are getting lighter. All we need now is for it to get a bit warmer and I'll be as happy as a pig in shit.

I'm feeling a bit sluggish at the moment. I have not been to the gym all month, which is not like me at all. Shows how crap I have been feeling, ha ha. So next week I'm going to start going again. Its probably done me a bit of good having a break. I was getting an awful pain in my right Achilles heel every time I went for a run. So hopefully when I start up again it will have had time to heal.

I haven't been doing that much really. I get very boring this time of year and its been so frigging cold I haven't wanted to go out much. I mean, it's been really cold this year.

Well must shoot. I have someone over at the minute, fitting some new bathroom taps for me. He's not doing too well at the moment though. He has just discovered he has put the tap with a C on, on the hot tap. Someone needs to go to specsavers I think ;-). Which reminds me of a time when an ex boyfriend decorated my bathroom. He put the wallpaper on upside down. He thought I wouldn't notice, but I'm a woman, we notice everything ;-)

Happy New Year............

2008-12-31T16:29:00.003Z

So finally, we are reaching the end of another year - where does the time go?

I'm not going out partying tonight, done that many time in my youth and now I prefer to spend New Year's Eve with close family or friends.

I'll be glad to see the back of this year to be honest. Not that is been a horrible year, but it's been pretty non-eventful for me. I'm hoping next year will be better and with the start of my degree course in Feb, I'm sure it will be.

I hope everyone had a lovely Xmas. Me? Well next year I'm going to start to a petition to ban Christmas. Its sooooooooo boring and I hate it, hate it, hate it. All that build up and the day itself is always so disappointing.

I shouldn't grumble, Christmas din dins was lovely as always, thanks to my mum. But I spent a lot of the day reminiscing of last year when I was in Sri Lanka. Which is weird, because when I was there I actually missed seeing my family on Xmas day. Oh well, that's pretty typical of me. Whatever I have, I want the opposite ;-)

So, wherever you are tonight, be it spending a nice quiet time at home, or out partying, whoever you are with, be it with friends and family, or on your own, I wish everyone a VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR.

Oh and I'll let you into a little secret, I really am going to try and quit smoking this year.

Thank you to Sean who wrote this poem for me.......

2008-12-22T15:06:00.002Z

There is a living ,breathing angel in kent

with whom many a splendid hour i have spent

a person so beautiful, loving and kind

another like her on earth would be hard to find

she radiates warmth like the sun from above

but don't be mistaken, with her, i'm not in love

treat her with respect and you'll be on cloud nine

and the uplift you get will make your aura shine

she'll cure your body ,mind ,soul and pain

so if you need an uplift don't refrain

so don't be stupid, don't be dim

improve your life and meet the angel called kim.

There has been a lot in the press lately about assisted suicide........

2008-12-10T16:06:00.002Z

Personally I do not see what all the fuss is about. If someone has a chronic illness from which they will never recover and which will only get worse, and their quality of life is suffering, why should they not have the right to decide when and how they die?

Take the case of rugby player Daniel James. He was paralysed from the neck down during a rugby practice. He had tried to commit several times, before his parents agreed to take him to Switzerland for an assisted suicide. I'll be honest and admit that I don't think I would want to live either if I became paralysed. What kind of a life can you lead and how humiliating it must be to have someone clean out your bowels for you and wipe your backside? In fact have someone do everything for you. I can't even begin to imagine how awful that must be. I'm not saying that someone in this situation SHOULD die. But if they want to do, shouldn't they be allowed to end what they consider to be an unsatisfactory existence?

I would never condone assisted suicide for people who just wants to die, because they are unhappy. When I think back to time I was at my worst with depression there were times when I really wished I would die. I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. But you know what, I'm glad that never happened. It should only be allowed under very strict controls and supervision, but it should be allowed. And to take people to court, like in the case of Daniels parents, because they loved someone enough to help them end their suffering is outrageous and a waste of tax payers money. I'm so glad charges were not made against them.

Why should anyone have to suffer and die a slow agonising death or live body which does not work anymore. We don't allow our pets to suffer in this way, so why should we allow the ones we love to?

I just hope they allow assisted suicide in the country one day, cos as soon as my mum starts repeating herself and looses bladder control, I'm going to take her straight down the knackers yard. Only joking, I love my mum very much even though she irritates the hell out of me at times. But that's what mums are for ;-)

Its time to stop making the same mistakes, over and over again.

2008-12-06T15:03:00.006Z

I like to think that I am quite an intuitive person. The trouble is, I don't always act on that intuition and this is where the problem lies. I think its my optimistic attitude that that makes me still do things, when my head is shouting at me NOT TO.

I had lots of doubts about going away with M and they increased the nearer the holiday came. So it came to no surprise to me when I ended up coming home early.

I can be very impulsive and when I have made up my mind to do something, I just do it, no matter what anyone else says to me.

But what happened with M has happened to me twice before and so it does make one wonder if it,s something I do that causes these problems, or is it all because I'm going against my instincts and sometimes do things which I know are not a good idea.

I have been on holiday with girlfriends quite a few times and never had these problems, its only when I go away with guys (not all guys, I have had some great holidays with male friends).

The first time it happened I had booked a holiday with a boyfriend, but then we broke up. However it ended on good terms so we still decided to go on the holiday - which incidentally I had paid for. It was just for a week in Kos.

However a month or so before the holiday this guy, Paul, had started acting really weird and being quite nasty to me.

I remember the night before out departure I was sitting there and I knew I just didn't want to go away with him anymore. I was just fed up with the way he had been acting towards me and I had a really bad feeling it about. So I phoned him up and told him I did not want to go, but was more than happy for him to have the tickets and go on his own. He suddenly changed and became really apologetic and promised he would be ok on holiday and begged me to go with him. I really was not convinced, still did not want to go, but felt sorry him, so I went.

I remember the first day there. The place was a bit of a dump and but we sat by the pool reading our books, Paul was not saying much to me. I soon became a bit bored and it was lunch time and asked if he wanted to go and get a bit to eat. He said he wasn't hungry, so I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk, he didn't. So I went off on my own to find somewhere to have some lunch. I came back and Paul was still laying around the pool. He then got up and asked me if I wanted some water as he was going to pop down to the local shop, I said yes.

He was gone about 2 hours and when he came back I asked him where he had been. He said he has gone to a bar and had a drink and some food. I was really taken aback. I asked him why he did not ask me to come along, as I would liked to have done so, instead of just sitting around the pool. I can't remember what his answer was but I remember thinking how stupid it was that we had both gone out separately when we were on holiday together. But I got the distinct feeling that he had wanted it that way.

So that night we went out clubbing. We got to this club and within about an hour he was off dancing and flirting with this girl on the dance floor. Now I didn't mind if he chatted girls up, but he didn't talk to me once all night and I felt if he wanted to go on a 'pulling' holiday then he should have gone with some male friends, not me. I would never desert a friend on holiday so I could go on the pull, its bloody rude.

I just ended up leaving at about 11pm and went back to our apartment alone. I heard him come in much later and he didn't say a word to me. In the morning I tried to talk to him about how I felt, but he was just non communicative.

So I went to find our rep and asked her to get me a flight home which she managed to do that evening. I never told him I was leaving either, just went. If I find myself in a place or situation that is making me miserable I just have to get out of it, no matter what that entails. I spent enough years of my life being miserable with depression and I just cannot stomach it when those feelings rear their ugly head. Particularly if they are being caused by another individual.

I never heard from him again, until about 2 years later when he emailed me, out of the blue. He actually apologised for the way he treated me. I think he wanted to meet up or something but I wasn't interested. By this time it was water under the bridge for me. I sent him a polite reply, told it was forgotten about and just left it at that. I had no desire to see him again though.

The 2nd time it happened I was visiting an American friend in Washington, who I had been out to see a couple of times before and always had a great time. The first thing that happened when I arrived was he told me he had not been able to take anytime of from work during my stay, he was a barman in a hotel. Which was a great start to my holiday as it meant I would have long periods of time being left on my own. Had a known this before hand I would not have come out.

Because of this I then decided to stay for shorter time and get a flight to South Carolina, where I had met a guy on a dating site. I thought it would be a good opportunity to finally meet him in the flesh. So I discussed with with Nathan, my DC friend and he said fine.

First of all I just had to make sure this was OK with the guy in SC and asked Nathan if it was ok to ring him from his place, he said yes. So there I was, on the phone to this chap, having a bit of a laugh and chatting away, probably for about 45 mins. After the phone call as soon as I put down the phone Nathan just starting shouting at me. How dare I laugh and giggle on the phone to another guy in front of him. He was acting as though we were a couple, when that could not have been further from the truth. I only ever saw him as a friend, I wasn't even attracted to him in that way.

I had never seen him act like this before, he was raging and actually close to tears. He told me that in the morning he wanted me to leave and he would drop me off at a hotel where I could stay for the duration of my trip.

I didn't want to stay in a hotel on my own, it was bad enough having to occupy myself when Nathan was working. So I got up early the next day, got on the internet and booked myself a flight home that evening.

I got my suitcase and left his apartment at about 8am in the morning. Nathan was still in bed but I think he was awake and just let me leave. I had hours to kill and this bloody big suitcase to lug around so I walked to Washington Zoo, which was just down the road, and sat in there for hours. I remember sitting there in the rain just sobbing. I was so shocked by Nathans reaction and the things he said to me. I would never had done that to someone who had come from abroad to visit me. I don't think you can go much lower than that, imo.

Now there is one thing that all these guys have in common and that is the fact that I met them when they came to see me in my capacity as an escort. Two I dated briefly, then remained friends and one was only ever a friend. But I wonder if the root of these issues I have had with them stems from the fact that I never wanted to have sex with them, as friends. I never led them on in any way. I always make it quite clear with guys if I am not interested in them sexually and that all I want is friendship. But it's as if they don't hear that. Its as if they think that I will change me mind, or I'll have a few drinks and drop my knickers for them, but I am not like that. I either fancy someone or I don't, and if I don't, then I am certainly not going to sleep with them. I get enough sex in my job, that I don't particularly crave for it in my private life.

Well actually I do crave for it in my private life, but with someone special, not in some casual way with any Tom, Dick or Harry.

I stopped dating clients a long time ago, because of all the shit relationships I had this way. It doesn't make for a good relationship when you have sex with someone within a few mins of meeting them, in a paid encounter, then go on to date.

But I'm also coming to the conclusion that being friends with clients or ex clients, is not healthy either. Although I can easily be friends with a guy, as I enjoy the company of most men. I do feel that deep down most men have an ulterior motive. They don't really just want friendship, they want a friendship with benefits and sadly, for them, that is not something they will ever get from me. I think when this realisation sinks in, they just react with aggression and anger.

In future I'm going to be much more careful about who I let into my life. I am so fed up with being let down in this way and suddenly finding out that someone, who I thought was a good friend, is actually only using me and does not value 'our' friendship at all.

It really sucks.

My holiday disaster - PART 2

2008-12-03T17:02:00.004Z

My analysis of the whole situation with M is that he probably has some kind of personality disorder, he has many of the traits of a Narcissist. It was like being on holiday with someone from another time and dimension, who does not have a clue on how to behave, react, integrate with people or understand the social niceties which separate us from wild beasts. He has no empathy whatsoever for other people and cannot see how his antisocial behaviour can be really upsetting. To me he just comes across as rude and arrogant with a hugh superiority complex thrown in for good measure.

Most of the time I was treading on egg shells because I feared if I opened my mouth I would end up upsetting him. He is so hypersensitive and takes what you say, twists it around a bit and comes up with a completely different meaning to the one you intended. Usually he reads an insult into it, which was never my intention with anything I said. But I did notice that to disagree with him about anything was not a good idea, not if you wanted a quiet life. It got to the point where I just withdrew into myself and didn't want to say anything. I hate atmosphere's and arguing and it just seemed easier to keep my mouth shut.

He never smiled, never laughed, never showed any enthusiasm for anything. Conversation was hard work and stilted, I had to start it every time.

What really got to me was this 'exasperated eye rolling' he kept directing at me, particularly when I could not hear what he had said and asked him to repeat it.

But the final crunch came when we were in Varadero and this time the room came with a balcony. M hates people smoking with a passion, which is fair enough, it is a disgusting habit, I will admit that. But I had gone out of my way to not smoke around him. But I felt if I had the occasional cigarette on the balcony, since it was outside, it wouldn't be a problem. I was alone on the balcony having one when he returned from the pool. He just looked at me and said, 'do you intend to smoke out here then'? (Kind of a dumb question since I was standing there with a lit cigarette in my hand). I replied that I was planning on doing so.

From that point on he just didn't talk to me. I spent that evening having dinner on my own in one of the restaurants. I came back to the room. He was still just lying on the bed reading, he didn't even look up when I entered. I then decided to go to the bar and have a couple of drinks.

I came back to the room again at about 9.30, still he was reading and did not say anything to me. In the morning I got up and went to breakfast, on my own, and it was then that I decided I could not spend a week in the company of someone who was being so childish and antisocial.

I think his silent treatment was a form of punishment for defying him, which is exactly the sort of thing he would do to someone. Instead of discussing something like an adult, he will just sulk and ignore you. He was probably trying to break me. Expecting me to crumble, beg for forgiveness and apologise. But I didn't really feel I had done anything wrong. So I went on the Internet to see about getting a flight home. I was delighted when I found a flight with Virgin, for that evening. It wasn't cheap, but I just wanted to go home and be with people who enjoyed my company and who like me, which M clearly does not.

I was hoping that when I got my bags to leave he would be out. But he was still sitting in the room, reading. He asked where I was going and I have to admit I did lie and told him I was moving rooms. I do feel bad about that now, not telling the truth that I was going home, but I just didn't want any more rows.

I actually met a really nice Algerian chap that morning. He kept me company for a couple of hours prior to having to leave for the airport. I think I had more fun and laughed with him more than I had done the whole of the holiday so far. He was a lovely guy.

I really wasn't sad to be leaving to be honest. It was actually raining on my last day and the skies were really gloomy and grey. It wasn't cold, but it wasn't particularly hot either. I was just so excited about getting away from M and getting back to my cosy flat and my cats.

I had a bit of a mare at the airport. It was a 2.5 hour taxi drive back to the airport in Havana, I couldn't find a light out of the local airport. When I arrived at the check in desk they said there was a problem with my ticket, it had not been paid for. I told them I had only booked in on-line that morning. So after standing in a long queue for check in I had to go up to the 2nd floor to their offices and sort the problem out. When I got there, there was already 2 people in front of me, upgrading their seats, and they were taking ages. I was starting to panic by this time. I took the opportunity to ring up baclaycard to see if there was a problem with my card.

Because I had not told them I was going to Cuba they had stopped the payment. Anyway, got that sorted, so by the time it was my time to see someone it was just a case of paying for the ticket again.

I was so relieved when I was actually on the flight going home. I really thought at one point I would miss the flight and end up having to go back to the hotel, with my tail between my legs.

I can't totally blame M, I knew what he was like before hand so I guess I was taking a risk by going away with him. But just lately he been a lot better when we had gone out, so I thought he was making an effort. I guess when he makes the effort it's hard work for him and he just can't keep the pretence up for long periods.

I hope he is enjoying his holiday. After all he's spending it with his biggest fan - himself.

Why I cut short my holiday - PART 1

2008-12-02T10:18:00.006Z

Havana was lovely, I really liked the place. It has some amazingly beautiful buildings and although some of them are a bit run down and in need of some repair, it is a clean city . The Cuban people are also very friendly, which is always a plus when you go anywhere.

I probably did not make the most of Havana, I didn't get to see a show at the Tropicana, which I would like to have done. But my holiday problems began almost immediately after arriving.

I went with a friend (who is no longer a friend I might add) who I will call M. I've known M about 7 years I guess. I actually met him when he booked me for an escorting job and he asked me out afterwards. It didn't last long, probably about 3 weeks. It soon became clear we were miles apart in the personality department and I found his manner rather abrupt and aggressive, which I did not like.

For reasons unknown to me we stayed in touch. It soon became clear that he met all his girlfriends by booking them first. Then he would ask them out. Strange really, but I can see why he needs to do that and cannot meet woman in the normal way.

We have had a turbulent relationship over the years and quite a few times I wanted to wash my hands of our friendship. M has been out of work for a lot of the time I have known him. Hence he has had money problems and he has come to me twice to borrow money. I prefer not to lend people money, because I have had bad experiences in the past doing this. However he always put me in a difficult position where I felt I had no choice but to say yes.

The problems arose when trying to get the money back. He always promised to pay it back within a few months. The first time it took about 2 years of constant badgering him and threatening to take him to the small claims court, before I got it back. He did actually pay a bit of interest on it. What pissed me off about this was he was out of work when he borrowed the money, he needed it to pay his mortgage so he would not lose his house. He then got a job, but still made no effort to pay the money back. But he certainly was not short of money because he kept winning exotic Holiday from his work place for having high 'sales' figures.

The 2nd time took about a year to get back and the interest he promised to pay on it was never forthcoming.

I've often felt that M was autistic or something. He seems to lack the social skills most possess and as I said about he can really curt and abrupt. He doesn't seem to understand that the way he says things and the things he says are actually quite offensive and damn right rude. I had tried to talk to him about this a few times over the years and he always put it down to his situation of being out of work and having money worries.

I wasn't sure I believed this but gave him the benefit of the doubt, plus I sometimes felt sorry for him. This is why when he started working again this year I suggested that maybe we go away somewhere and asked if he thought we would get on being together for such a period of time.

I thought that if he were on holiday I might see a different side. A more fun loving, happy side - I could not have been more wrong.

Final farewell..............

2008-11-25T17:51:00.002Z

I don't want to leave my blog on a sour note, so I just wanted to say goodbye for now as tomorrow morning I will be departing to warmer climates.

I'm packed, almost, which is good going for me. Nearly forgot to pack my reading books, which could have been disastrous. I like to take a good book, or two, to read when I'm away - especially useful for the flight.

Not much else to say really. Just don't miss me too much. Oh and if you want to make an appointment for my return I will be checking emails when I'm away. Not every day, but a few times - assuming I can find somewhere to access the net.

My cats will be well looked after while I'm away. My nephew and niece are taking it in terms to cat sit. They love it when I go away ;-)

Bye
xxx

I'm mad today........ real mad

2008-11-24T10:43:00.002Z

;-)

Well OK, I'm not really that mad, just slightly pissed off.

I was fully booked up until I go away, so I've had to turn a lot of people away who wanted appointments, and there has been a lot. It's been really busy the last two weeks.

I had 2 appointments booked in for tomorrow, one was a 2 hr one and both have cancelled those appointments today.

I'm pissed off because both of these men, who I have seen before, knew I was going away and knew my availability was limited. Both booked over a week ago and both cancel last minute.

I know I sometimes have to cancel appointments and I know that is not anymore acceptable, (although I never cancel without a very good reason). But the only cost of me cancelling is disappointment to my client. When people cancel me its lost income which imo, hits harder. Particularly as I'll be away for nearly two weeks so wont be earning anything then.

But its not about the money. I'm not hard up, I wont starve. Its just the principle and the lack of consideration for me. I do ask that people do not book in advance just to secure an appointment, if they have the sort of lifestyle that can be unpredictable and change at the last minute.

Well I have stored both these guys phone numbers where I always store these type of customers, as SNC, which stands for short notice cancellation. Would I see them again? Guess that would depend if they ever contact me again and what sort of a mood I'm in at the time and whether or not I'm wearing my black pointy hat and riding around on my broom stick.

On a happier note I am of on my hols on Wednesday. Tra, la, la, la, la.

Did you see that programme on TV last night...

2008-11-13T18:59:00.004Z

The 'Child-witches' of Nigeria?

I missed the first half, unfortunately, so just got the last 30 mins. It was so sad and unbelievable to see the craziness which exists in this world.

1"Mary is a pretty five-year-old girl with big brown eyes and a father who kicked her out onto the streets in one of the most dangerous parts of the world. Her crime: the local priest had denounced her as a witch and blamed her "evil powers" for causing her mother's death.

Ostracised, vulnerable and frightened, she wandered the streets in south-eastern Nigeria, sleeping rough, struggling to stay alive.

Mary was found by a British charity worker and today lives at a refuge in Akwa Ibom province with 150 other children who have been branded witches, blamed for all their family's woes, and abandoned. Before being pushed out of their homes many were beaten or slashed with knives, thrown onto fires, or had acid poured over them as a punishment or in an attempt to make them "confess" to being possessed. In one horrific case, a young girl called Uma had a three-inch nail driven into her skull.

Yet Mary and the others at the shelter are the lucky ones for they, at least, are alive. Many of those branded "child-witches" are murdered - hacked to death with machetes, poisoned, drowned, or buried alive in an attempt to drive Satan out of their soul"

Why do such atrocities happen so frequently in African countries? They seem so easily led by fanatical people and common sense appears to evade them.

1 http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/africaandindianocean/nigeria/3407882/Child-witches-of-Nigeria-seek-refuge.html

If there is one thing that makes my blood boil........

2008-11-12T16:51:00.006Z

That makes me want to get the people responsible and do something really nasty and damn right bloody evil to them. That makes me so fucking mad with rage but also makes my heart break, is cruelty to animals and children.

Having a child is a gift. You should cherish that child with all your heart and you should shield and protect it so it does not come to any harm.

I am of course referring to the case of 'Baby P', who was so brutally abused and whose death was caused by the very people who were supposed to care for and love him.

I felt physically sick when I heard about it on the news. The terrible injuries he sustained and the cruelty he was subjected to. I can't understand it. I can't understand how any man or woman could do that to a small child. It really does make me sick to the stomach. That poor little boy must have been so scared and in so much pain and no one protected him.

You hear of cases where respectable parents have their children taken away from them because one of the kids turns up at school with a small bruise on their arm. No other evidence to suggest anything untoward, but suddenly their world is turned upside down and they are wrongly accused of abuse.

Then you get cases like 'Baby P' where time and time again the child is being treated for bruises, cuts and broken bones. The family have a history of drug or drink addiction and various other mental issues, yet nothing is done to help the children and they are left to suffer in the hands of their deranged parents.

I don't personally blame social workers because I know they have a really hard time. I did at one time consider going into social work myself so I did some research on the subject. I have a friend who is married to a social worker and I asked him if she enjoyed her work. He told me you hated it. She always had far too much work to do that there was never enough hours in the day to deal with each case thoroughly. Even on her days off she was constantly rung up at home about things. So personally I blame the system. There is clearly not enough social workers employed to do the job properly. Another example of the government trying to penny pinch and provide a sub standard service, much like the health service.

Its disgusting that this can be allowed to happen in the 21st Century. I don't even have children and neither do I want them, but if anyone hurt my nephew and niece I will kill the bastards and be damned with the consequences.

I just hope they get a good prison sentence and the other inmates get their hands on them and give them a good beating. Much like the one they subjected Baby P to.

And if you are not familiar with the story, you can read about it hear.

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/tm_headline=baby-p-trial-two-convicted-for-toddler-s-torture-death&method=full&objectid=20888326&siteid=115875-name_page.html

Sun, sun, sun........

2008-11-12T16:30:00.003Z

At least that is what I am hoping for when I get to Cuba. Only two weeks to go now, wahey ;-).

I didn't realise how complicated it was when it comes to spending money in Cuba. First of all you have to buy the Cuban currency in Cuba. You can neither get it outside of Cuba or take any out of Cuba with you. Thats not really a problem.

Travellers chq are a bit iffy. You cannot use American Express, because of their association with America and if you do use TC's they will charge you more for changing them up. Credit cards will probably be accepted by tour operators if you want to book excursions, but you cannot purchase things with them out there. They just wont except them and you can't use any credit card which is, once again, connected to an American bank ie MBNA, Egg etc, etc.

Neither can you rely on ATM machines because there are very few of them around and if you do find one the likelihood is, it wont work.

So it looks like its cash, cash, cash, which I really hate relying on 100%. I don't mind taking some cash but much prefer to take TC's as well and have a credit card and debit card. I hope the hotels are safe out there for leaving valuables in.

When things really do not go to plan............

2008-10-31T14:30:00.003Z

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh. I had to cancel my day out today. I was so looking forward to it but late yesterday I started to feel unwell. My throat was sore when I woke up in the morning, but I put it down to just being thirsty. It seemed to go but early evening it came back and I was feeling slightly weak and really cold, despite having the heating up full blast.

I went to bed around 7.30pm, woke up around 1am, went to the loo, put some more cat food down then went back to bed, and didn't wake up till 7am this morning. I definitely have something, but what I'm not sure. Maybe just a little chill, it has been rather cold the last few days.

I'm just spending today in the warm, taking it easy. I'll probably take Monday off, but hopefully I will be okay for the rest of the week as I have lots of appointments booked in.

So a weekend of lemsips and TV I think.

When things don't go to plan.........

2008-10-27T14:01:00.002Z

I said in my last post that I might be going to Dubai next week. Alas, that is not now going to happen.

I had to cancel my planned trip to the passport office last Wednesday, because I did not get my form back from a friend, who was countersigning it for me, in time. Whose fault was that, well maybe both of us? I'll just put it down to misunderstandings and bad organisation. But I still have my Cuba trip to look forward to, so I cannot grumble. I still need to get that damn passport sorted though.

Tomorrow's outing with a client has also be postponed until Friday now, but its still going ahead.

I had some more botox this morning, so in about 2 weeks time I should look 10 years younger, I wish ;-).

So........... what have I been up to lately?

2008-10-20T16:38:00.006+01:00

I am naughty, not writing on my blog for so long.

Oh pooh, I have just looked out of window and it's starting to rain.

This weekend I finally finished laying some turf in my garden. I only have a tiny weeny garden. so there was not that much to do. I think I've done OK as long as I remember to keep watering it. The cats are a little miffed because the area in which they can do their little poops has been reduced dramatically. So now they are doing it in my flower bed and the little bastards keep digging up my pansies. I need to start training them to use the toilet, as in the above pic.

I started this project about 6 months ago. Clearing the area of gravel, adding some top soil and flattening it all. That was an ordeal in itself because no sooner would I have a nice flat area the cats would get to work and make little mole mounds all over it. Bless their little stinky paws.

I'm off to the passport office on Wednesday. My passport runs out in May but I need 6 months left on it, on my return from Cuba. So I had some rather unflattering pics done today. I am planning another short trip before Cuba so may be away from the 5th to the 10th of November.

I found an old work colleague on face book and contacted him, just to see how he was doing. It turns out he has been living in Dubai for 2 years and he suggested I come out for a visit. I can't say Dubai has been a place high on my lists to visit, but it will be interesting to go and see for myself what it is like, but more importantly just meeting up with an old friend. This time of year is, apparently, a nice time to go as its not so hot.

I'm looking forward to next Tuesday when I am going out for the day with a lovely client of mine, although I'd rather think of him as more of a friend. We'll be doing a sort of activity course, but I'll tell you more about next week, it should be fun ;-).

I've decided to take up horse riding again. Its been about 20 years since I last rode horses regularly so I'm a bit rusty now. So myself and a friend, who is also a bit rusty, are going to book some lessons and see how we go. I'd love to go on a horse trekking holiday one day. Its such an exhilarating and wonderful feeling being on a horse.

Will write more later x

For cat lovers only........

2008-10-01T19:04:00.010+01:00

Here are some cat quotes I like. If you are owned or have ever been owned by a cat you will probably relate to some or all of these.

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat. -- Jay Leno

Are cats lazy? Well, more power to them if they are. Which one of us has not entertained the dream of doing just as he likes, when and how he likes, and as much as he likes? -- Fernand Mery

The way to get on with a cat is to treat it as an equal -- or even better, as the superior it knows itself to be. -- Elizabeth Peters

I have found my love of cats most helpful in understanding women. -- John Simon

Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat. - Mark Twain

Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." - Missy Dizick

Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." - Mary Bly

As anyone who has ever been around a cat for any length of time will knows cats have enormous patience with the limitations of the human kind. - Cleveland Amory

Kittens are born with their eyes shut. They open them in about six days, take a look around, then close them again for the better part of their lives. - Stephen Baker

In the beginning, God created man, but seeing him so feeble, He gave him the cat. - Warren Eckstein

Most cats, when they are Out want to be In, and vice versa, and often simultaneously. - Louis F. Camuti, DVM

Cats are a tonic, they are a laugh, they are a cuddle, they are at least pretty just about all of the time and beautiful some of the time."- Roger Caras

Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a lot of ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." - Joseph Wood Crutch

The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it." - Doug Larson

The furry little buggers [cats] are just deep, deep wells you throw your emotions into." - Bruce Schimmel

Cats can work out mathematically the exact place to sit that will cause most inconvenience."- Pam Brown

If you want to know the character of a man, find out what his cat thinks of him. - Anonymous

Any cat who misses a mouse pretends it was aiming for the dead leaf."- Charlotte Gray

A cat isn't fussy--just so long as you remember he likes his milk in the shallow, rose-patterned saucer and his fish on the blue plate. From which he will take it, and eat it off the floor."- Arthur Bridges

To some blind souls all cats are much alike. To a cat lover every cat from the beginning of time has been utterly and amazingly unique."- Jenny de Vries

Cat people are different to the extent that they generally are not conformists. How could they be with a cat running their lives?" - Louis J. Camuti, D.V.M

You can tell your cat anything and he'll still love you. If you lose your job or your best friend, your cat will think no less of you." - Helen Powers

In ancient times cats were worshipped as Gods, they have not forgotten this." - Unknown

Any household with at least one feline member has no need for an alarm clock." - Louise A. Belcher

Maybe the reason that so many people love the cat is that she is the only example that can breathe in the presence of man without becoming his slave -- and maybe that is why, so many people hate her. -- Heinrich Saas

The cat, which is a solitary beast, is single minded and goes its way alone, but the dog, like his master, is confused in his mind. -- H.G. Wells

I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. -- Hippolyte Taine

Sir Winston Churchill...........

2008-10-01T15:55:00.006+01:00

If you could meet a famous figure, from the past, who would it be?

For me it would be Winston Churchill. Apparently Sir Winston had a very good sense of humour and I love so many of the quotes he made over his lifetime. Such as

"I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals"

Lady Astor: "Winston, if you were my husband I would flavour your coffee with poison" Churchill: "Madam, if I were your husband, I should drink it"

Bessie Braddock: "Winston, your drunk!Churchill: "Bessie, your ugly, and tomorrow morning I shall be sober"

Winston was also a cat lover, having a fondness for ginger cats.

Churchill's marmalade cat Jock slept with his master, shared his dining table, and attended numerous war-time Cabinet meetings. If Jock was late for meals, Churchill would send servants to find him, waiting to eat til the cat was present. Jock was said to have been with his master when he died. Churchill also had a cat, Nelson, named after the famous British admiral

Doing a bit of reading about him recently I discovered he suffered with depression, which he called his 'black dog'. Something else we share in common.

I have touched on the subject of my depression before, but was wary of mentioning it again when it was used against me by the unknown 'Dave', when he described me "as some lonely old woman who takes medication".

I'm not ashamed of my depression, its just something I had and lived with. Not much I could do about it, in the same way a diabetic cannot help the fact that their pancreas is not working properly.

There is such a taboo surrounding the disease and yes I say disease, because that is what I believe it is. For some its a temporary condition, bought on by events in their life. For me it was just there and I never knew or had reasons for why it should be that way.

After years of refusing medication, because like many people, I saw it as failing myself if I took those steps, I relented and gave them a go.

That was 10 years ago now I have not looked back. It wasn't plain sailing, meds can have their side effects and they do not work for everyone. But I believe my depression was not caused by events but my a chemical imbalance, which I could not rectify without some help.

I have not suffered from depression for years now, so I'm never sure whether I should say I have depression or not. I guess if I stopped taking them it would come back.

Depression is not something anyone should be ashamed of. It does not mean you are weak or a lesser person. Many famous people, great scientists, such as Sir Isaac Newton (he also invented the cat flap), artists like Michelangelo and Vincent VanGogh (mind you, he was a bit of fruit cake), writers like T.S Eliot and Ernest Hemingway and political figures such as Winston and Abraham Lincoln, did or do suffer with depression, yet they still went on the achieve great things.

In fact I feel very privileged to share something which such great people ;-)

Nocturnal Orgasms...........

2008-10-01T14:16:00.005+01:00

Women, just like men, may experience nocturnal emissions or wet dreams. The statistic from the 1950's Kinsey Report revealed that 2 out of 3 women have erotic dreams, and women who have sexual intercourse or masturbate are more likely to experience nocturnal orgasms

I had one this last night, or in the early hours of this morning. Its something I have experienced for a few years now. Most of the time I just wake up when I am very close to orgasm and I find I am rubbing my thighs together. Then the orgasm takes a grip and afterwards I fall back to sleep again.

When it first started happening I just had this vague recollection of having an orgasm, but I was never sure if I had really had one, or it had been a dream. But with time I realised it wasn't a dream at all, and was actually happening.

Sometimes I don't get one for months and months, but recently I have had 2 in as many weeks, this morning was the 2nd one. I don't usually recall dreaming about anything sexual but when I woke up this morning I remember just prior to it happening I had been dreaming about Gordon Ramsey. Now I don't particularly fancy him, although I admit he is kinda good looking in a very wrinkly face, sort of a way. But in this dream I was visiting him at a hotel in Dartford, where he was staying. We didn't actually get up to anything naughty, because after about half an hour I suddenly realised I had to be at college, so I left and came back later. However when I came back he had checked out of the hotel.

I do love the sensation of an orgasm, it must be one of the best feelings in the world, I just wish the feeling would last longer.

I do remember my first ever orgasm, when I was about 15. I was in a French lesson at school and I turn up to find we have an exam. I didn't know anything about it so was getting a bit nervous. The papers were handed out and then the teacher said, 'turn over your papers and begin'. All of a sudden I got this amazing throbbing sensation in my loins. I had no idea what it was, but I couldn't concentrate on anything. I just sat their enjoying this amazing feeling, hoping it would never stop.

It was until many years later I realised what I had experienced and the memory has always stayed with me.

Selective reading

2008-10-01T13:52:00.000+01:00

I am really bad at reading things. If someone sends me a long email or a long letter I never read it properly but tend to scan read. However I am useless at scan reading. The principle behind it is to read quickly and scan the text, picking out the important information. I fail dismally at doing this.

For example a friend of mine send me an email, 'you gotta see this', he said and attached was the above video which had the title 'Large dead snake found in garden'. So I watch the video, taking in how big the damn thing was and was hardly surprised when at the end the snake's head appeared and learched towards the person making the recording.

So I emailed him back and said, ' OMG, what a big boy. Imagine finding that in your back garden - it would probably eat my cats'.

Back came his reply

" Hmmm ... I'm not sure that actually worked he he.

What you were meant to say was ... oooooh that made me jump .... it made me afraid.....

See the title said large DEAD snake ... and as the camera scanned ... you look at its body thinking wow, good job that snake is DEAD! ... then as it's head appears it strikes and you go .... arrrggghhhh .... WHAT THE FU**!!!!!!?????."

You see, all I saw when I read the title was 'Snake, back garden'. So I didn't get the shock value of anticipating a dead snake.

Yesterday I got an email from the tour operator with whom I have booked my Cuba holiday. He was just reminding me that the balance of my payment had to be made today. I do remember them saying the balance had to be paid on a certain date, but never took much notice of what that date actually was. They also asked if I could sign and return the booking form, which they had sent to me weeks ago.

Booking form, sign and return? I remember getting something in the post from them and saw an invoice which my holiday details on. I just shoved the letter to the side and thought no more about it. So I hunted it out and there was this long letter, telling me all about the booking form and lots of other important details about the holiday. I just hadn't bothered to read any of it.

I am a very naughty girl.

I love surfing the net........

2008-09-26T09:19:00.005+01:00

Its so educational and you can discover all sorts of amazing facts.

I've studies Biology to A level standard twice. Once when I did my actual A'level and again when I did my access course in science - and they never taught me this .

It does explains a few things ;-)

For years, scientists have researched the basic differences between human males and human females. While it has been previously declared that what determines gender are the "X" and "Y" chromosomes found in male sperm, this is only partially true. As it turns out, the "Y" chromosome is, in fact, a defective "X" chromosome with one of the legs missing. At first this discovery baffled scientists, but further research has determined that this mysterious missing leg physically manifests itself on the outer body of a male, resulting in what is commonly known as a penis. It has also been determined that human intellect is stored in this part of the chromosome, resulting in the male of the species commonly using his penis (the physical manifestation of the missing part of the chromosome) to make many decisions. Once the genetic defect was discovered, scientists were determined to find out what other effects it may have on its victims.

Unfortunately, since the penis, although technically part of the male DNA, is on the outside of the body, it deteriorates at the same rate and sometimes faster than the body of the male. This discovery led to scientists quickly finding a way to keep the penis (and thus, the male brain) functioning. The result is drugs for what is being called "erectile dysfunction." Another sign of the deterioration of the external part of the chromosome is what is widely referred to as a "mid-life crisis," during which a male will frequently search out younger women (even if he already has a perfectly lovely woman) and faster, phallic-shaped cars. He may sometimes quit a steady job and then attempt one strange get-rich-quick scheme after another, or, in extreme cases, use the time to "find himself." This is all in a subconscious effort to convince himself that he is a young, virile man; the reasoning being that if he believes it, his body will cease deteriorating.

Whats in a name?

2008-09-20T07:42:00.004+01:00

Mmmm, he's rather cute- wish that was me standing over him like that ;-)

Most girls these days use the term 'Escort' to advertise their sexual services. But should we, is that really the correct term to use? Look up escort in most dictionaries and you will not find a reference to prostitution.

So what should we really calling ourselves, other than a prostitute?

Here are some alternatives:

bawd, call girl, camp follower, courtesan, harlot, scarlet woman, streetwalker, strumpet, tart, whore, lady of easy virtue, lady of pleasure, lady of the night, call girl, debauchee, demimondaine, demimonde, harlot, hooker, moll, quean, trollop, working girl, bawd, bimbo, chippy, fille de joie, floozy, hussy, moll, slut, wench.

I quite like harlot, strumpet, lady of easy virture, lady of pleasure and wench.

Maybe I'll start a trend of girls using other names, instead of 'Escort'.

What shall it be? KIM OF DARTFORD, Kents Finest ??????

Crdit crunch, credit crunch, credit crunch........

2008-09-17T18:05:00.006+01:00

Oh boy, that's all you hear and read about in the news lately.

House prices are falling - which is a good thing in my opinion, although I have not seen too much of a price crash myself. But instead of housing selling within a month or so, you see the same houses with for sale prices up for months and months. People do not want to face up the fact that their precious house, which was worth millions last year, is now only worth £25.50 (ok, slight exaggeration on my part). When will people learn that nothing ever lasts for ever? How quickly people forgot about the house market crash in the 90's. Good times always come to an end eventually. The economy always goes in cycles, peaks and troughs and when you are on a peak, the only way it can go, eventually, is down.

I think over the last few years people have just go greedy. They have seen their house as their pension and instead of buying a modest 2 or 3 bedroom house, which is all they really needed for their family they had to stretch themselves and buy that 4 or 5 bedroom house. Well it impresses your friends and work colleagues. OK, so you're paying out £2000 a month mortgage and you can't afford to feed the kids, but when you retire, if you live that long, you'll be laughing all the way to the bank. Assuming there are any banks left by then.

I would not have bought a house in the last 3 years, unless I already had one to sell. I would have just rented and bided my time. It was obvious to me it the housing market could not continue for ever. I remember having this conversation with one of my neighbours about this very topic, about 2 years ago now. I said I thought the market would crash, or at least correct itself eventually. He said 'no way'. High house prices were here to stay and they would never go down again.

I think the other problem with today's society is people live way up to their means and way beyond that point. Credit has been to easy to come by and instead of saving up for something and buying it when you actually have the cash available, people just borrow it. OK, if you are going to buy a car a loan is most people's choice of financing it - I've done that myself. But at least you have an asset you can sell if need be. But going out and spending a fortune on clothes and holidays on credit, because you can't actually afford them, is just plain stupid.

Credit cards have their place, I do use them. But I always pay them of when the bill comes in, or at least over 2 months. How people manage to accrue 30K debt on their credit cards is beyond me. I know a few people who have done just that though.

What I don't understand is when individuals or companies have years of fantastic profits, making tonnes of money, because the economy is booming. Then suddenly it goes tits up and within 6 months they are going under. I mean, what happened to all the money they made when times were good? Surely that should soften the blow for when the climate changes?

What do people do with all the money they make. Do they just spend, spend, spend?

Say I had a business and it was making £100 K pure profit every year. Not a vast amount, but nevertheless a nice profit. I wouldn't go out and blow it all on fancy cars, expensive watches and whatever took my fancy. I may spend half but invest half and I would spread the investment so some was higher risk that others. But a lot of people would just go out and blow the lot on an extravagant lifestyle.

I'm not a miser by a long shot, I do waste money on certain things and I could save a lot more than I do. I spend a lot on holidays, but even when booking a holiday I don't go for the really expensive option, or the cheap one, but the moderately priced one. I wouldn't splash out on a top of the art, walking, talking £2000 plasma TV, although I could afford one. I'd probably spend about £500 on one and that would be my budget. A TV is a TV, whether its a 27" one sitting in the corner on a stand, or a 6ft one swinging from the chandeliers doing loop the loops.

I've actually started economising myself lately. Not because I have to, yet, but I just realised how much money I wasted on basic essentials. I've started buying the stores brand of washing powder, toilet rolls, cleaner, that kind of thing. If you don't do that yourself, next time you are out shopping compare the prices. Sometimes the difference is quite a lot and do you really need aloe Vera impregnated, quilted toilet paper to wipe your arse with? As long as it does the job, which generally it does, why pay more just for a brand name? God, I wish I had done that years ago, but I was so into brands and thought anything less what something only poor people did. More fool me.

As they say, look after the pennies and the pounds take care of themselves. ;-)

Poor old Cuba

2008-09-09T08:56:00.002+01:00

Poor old Cuba, being battered and ravaged by Hurricane Ike. Why do I care, you ask yourself? Well because I am a kind and caring person and because I have booked my next holiday there ;-).

I will be hitting Cuban shores around the end of November, when hurricane season is, by then, a dim and distant memory (I hope). I just hope they get the place place cleared up for my arrival.

So, why Cuba?

Well, people who know me will be aware of my love of travelling. There are many places I want to visit, but I like to try and see as many different parts of the world as possible. I've done 5 continents to date and will eventually get to the other 2. I like to experience different cultures and different terrains. You experience completely different things in the desert, to what you would in say, a rain forest.

I have never been to the Caribbean, but it is a place I have wanted to visit. Cuba seemed a lot more interesting and historical than the other Islands, which you traditionally think of as being Caribbean.

I'm going with a friend this time, so have had to compromise a little on the Itinerary. Normally I would travel around a lot and see as much as I can, but that is not everyone's cup of tea. Some people like to chill on a beach for a week and just read. So we will be staying in Havana for 3 nights, then down to the beach for 8. However we will probably go to Trinidad (a place in Cuba, not the country) for one day and I will take in a few excursions. My friend can either come along with me or chill around the pool - I don't mind doing things on my own. Got used to it after all these years.

I'm sure a lot of people already know this, but the USA has an embargo imposed upon Cuba. I did know this, but didn't actually know why. I am a curious beast and like to know a bit about the country I am visiting before I go there, so I did some googling to find out a little bit more about this embargo and why it is there.

So for those of you who are also interested in a little history, this is what I found out.

"Recently there have been many requests by American farmers and businessman to lift the embargo against Cuba. Due to harder economic times in the U.S. especially farmers; one can sympathize with them to have an increase business market to sell their crops, and products also.

However, most Americans are not aware that Castro put himself in power through military force not democracy.

Castro confiscated all properties on the island. He made it illegal for anyone but the government to own property. In this manner in 1959, he stole all the properties and businesses owned by both Cubans and businessmen from all over the world, the majority being Americans. Castro took over all private assets which then became Cuban government assets. Many U.S. companies with offices in buildings built with U.S. money, manufacturing plants, and many other types of business places throughout the island were forced to leave the country. Castro confiscated all the infrastructure left behind. In essence, Castro stole all Cuban properties as well as U.S. businesses with whatever these companies built as well as whatever machinery they used to operate those businesses.

In 1995, those confiscated assets were estimated by the Foreign Settlement Commission in the U.S. Department of Justice to be worth approximately six billion dollars.

In an effort to prevent the injustice caused by Castro, Congress passed the Cuban Liberty and Solidarity Act of 1995 intended to protect the property rights of U.S. citizens who lost their property and assets to Castro in 1959. Nearly one half of the six thousand certified claims filed against Cuba and Castro with the Foreign Settlement Commission at the U.S. Department of Justice is registered by some of the largest American companies here in the states. Some of these companies include Colgate-Palmolive, a soap company, Owens-Illinois Inc., a glass and bottle manufacturing company, Freeport-McMoran, a nickel mining company, ITT Corp, a telecommunications company as well as many more.

This act has a provision called Title I which provides for the trade embargo against Cuba as well as provisions for the President of the U.S. to oppose Cuba’s membership in the International Monetary Fund as well as the World Bank until a transitional democratic government is elected and in place in Cuba. This is so that the injustice of many business people (including many Americans) losing their assets caused by Castro’s crimes of grand theft for many decades now is stopped. It also prevents foreign businesses from profiting from Castro’s crimes."

Had my laser today

2008-09-08T20:21:00.005+01:00

on my face. I don't think I am going to get any swelling this time, the treatment did not feel as severe as the last one, where I looked like a pig for a week. Hopefully I will be working from Wednesday this week, at least that is the plan.

I also made an appointment to have some more botox in a few weeks time. I'm going to a different place to the last time. I was not impressed with the results I got there.

The place I'm going to is where I had the laser done today. The doctor took some 'before' pics of me, I had to really scrunch my face up - it was quite a scary sight. And he actually explained to me what muscles he would inject and what effect that would have. The last place did none of that - mind you they were cheaper.

But you know, at the end of the day I'm not really that bothered about the few wrinkles I have and I think I look pretty good for my age. Its just curiosity at the moment and I just want to discover for myself what all the fuss is about, with botox.

How often do you change your underwear.

2008-08-21T17:25:00.002+01:00

A few weeks ago I saw this guy - who is really lovely, I'm not slagging him off here, but while he was getting undressed this cheesy feet smell wafted by. I said, 'jeez, your feet stink'. I then picked up his shoe and had a smell and they stunk as well - in fact it may just have been the shoes that did smell, I didn't actually check out his feet.

So I say to him, 'you do change your socks every day, don't you?

He replied, 'no, not ever day, about once every 2 or 3 days'.

I told him off and said he must change them every day, that's why his feet/shoes are smelling.

So then I say, 'you do change your pants every day though'?

He replied, 'no, every 2.5 days'

eeeeeeeeeek

So then it got me thinking. Is this a one off or is it a 'man thing'. Because I put fresh underwear on every day and I'm pretty sure most if not all women would. Although there must be some out there who don't.

So I was with another customer on another day and the underwear man just popped into my head, so I asked my customer if he changed his pants every day.

He also said no, about every 2 days.

double eeeeeeeeek

Both these guys smelt as fresh as daisies, so there was no problem with personal hygiene. But surely you should change your underwear every day? Or is it just me and should I be wearing my knickers until they sprout legs and are able to stand up by themselves ? ;-)

A few dilema's at the moment.

2008-08-21T16:50:00.002+01:00

I have a couple of things going on at the moment - nothing horrible, just situations I find myself in and I'm not sure how to progress with them. I don't want to say too much, just in case the people involved happen to read my bog - I don't know whether they do or not.

On a different matter I met a lovely man today. He is someone who had met me many years ago, just a few times so my memory of him was somewhat vague to say the least. But after we had had our fun we just laid there chatting for a while. He was asking me questions, which I don't mind, but what amazed me is I would give him my answers and he just seemed to know exactly where I was coming from. We mainly talked about relationship and one of the questions he asked me is why I have not met 'the one' yet.

I gave him my list of possible reasons and he just listened the said things which really made me think. One of the things he said was that perhaps when I was with someone I was always still thinking that maybe there is someone better for me out there, which really struck a chord with me. I do think I am like that.

When I meet someone and start dating and getting to know them, even before it gets to that serious stage, I'm asking myself if I actually see myself being with this person for ever. Instead of just enjoying the moment I'm watching and analysing and if they do something wrong or that I don't like, it a black mark against there being a future with this person. Then if we are getting on great and all is hunky dory, I go back to visualising a future with them. And this goes on and on and on, until I just don't know where I am. Incidentally I never used to this when I was younger, but then relationships for me were not about settling down, just having some fun and seeing what developed. Because of my advancing age I am very keen not to waste time in a relationship if I see no future in it. Which is not ideal because sometimes it can take years before these things become apparent.

I think deep down I am frightened of making a commitment to one person, in case I make a mistake and end up meeting some else later on, who I feel is better suited to me. But then its too late because I have this life and a house etc, etc with someone else. I think the idea of that makes me feel trapped. Yet on the other hand I want all of those things, but the 'free spirit' side to me is scared to death of it. If that makes any kind of sense at all, lol.

Deep in my heart I do think I will always be on my own, I think it is how I am meant to be. Its not what I want, but because I don't really know what I want or what I want changes, like the weather, I'll never be able to make that step of allowing someone into my life, on a permanent basis. Unless of course I find a man who is incredibly patient with me and can put up with my weird little way :-)

Anyway, back to this guy. I actually say to him at the end of our time together that he is great to talk to and he is so perceptive, he really should do counselling for a living. 'I do', he replied.

So there you go, a free counselling session - can't be bad ;-)

After a disasterous start to the week, it has got better

2008-08-21T16:43:00.002+01:00

And guess what the sun is shining ;-)

Anyone who posts comments on my blog may have noticed that I have now changed it so you cannot post anon. I'm pretty sure this will deter most from posting now, which is not my intention, but Doris (Dave), the pratt, kept posting comments every day. Although I did not approve these I couldn't be arsed to read them either.

I've always known there are weird, crazy people out there, but just never assumed any of them would stumble across my blog and end up bothering me. Its made me more cautious about what I post on here. So for those of you waiting for my next installment about why I became a prostitute, you may be disappointed I'm afraid. At the moment I am not prepared to share that little story with Internet - purely because I do not know who out there reading my blog.

I'm actually still debating whether or not to stop blogging at all. I don't want anything to come back and bite me on the bum one day.

Had a day off on Monday.

2008-08-12T18:19:00.002+01:00

I didn't feel too bright at the weekend. I felt really tired and had this headache that would not go away. I felt icky too, so thought I must be coming down with something. I decided to take Monday off, just to make sure, as I did not want to risk passing anything on to any customers.

Though I had the day off I felt like I needed some fresh air so met up with a friend in the morning and we went to Greenwich part to walk his two dogs. This particular friend is someone I met right at the beginning of my escorting career, so about 8 years ago now. I visited his home on an outcall and we very briefly dated - well, for about two weeks, ha ha. We have had our ups and downs over the years, I've been there for him when he has needed a friend and he has been there for me.

Its kinda nice to have friends like that. Friends that don't live in each others pockets, but who you know will be there for you if you need them.

Its funny because dating him again is not an option, for me anyway and possibly him - its not something we ever talk about. But I realised on Monday, while we were talking about stuff, how much we have in common. We both have animals, me my cats and he has dogs and cats and we both love our pets very much and we probably do treat them like our children. I think its fair to say we both prefer animals to people. Your pets are there for you, no matter what. They don't judge you, criticise you or put you down, they just love you for who you are. People can be do cruel and nasty at times, animals never are - unless they have been screwed up by nasty owners. Animals do what they do because of instinct, not out of malice or spite.

We both agreed that our ideal homes would be a house with some land where we could keep our pets and also have a few farm animals. I'd like a rescue donkey, a pot bellied pig, some ducks and a goat and of course my cats. I'd quite like a dog too, but I'd have to discuss that one with the kids (cats) - not sure they would allow that. ;-)

To the sad twat who posted this comment on my blog

2008-08-08T19:58:00.004+01:00

"Hi Kim - why do you write your blog. Do you think anyone gives a dam what you think (about you and your cats, you arguments with your neighbour or what you did on holiday etc)or are you just - in the depth of your heart - just a lonely middle aged women taking 'medication'. It's all rather sad, including me bothering to read it. Cheers, D. "

Well D - is that short for Dave, can I call you Dave? The funny thing is I've actually had quite a few bookings from guys who have read my blog. And, because they enjoyed reading it they decided to pay me a visit.

And you know what the wonderful thing is Dave - you don't mind me calling you that do you? Its a free world and I don't actually force anyone to read it. Its a shame you did not realise this
before you embarked upon your journey to read it, in such depth.

I think I might know where the real animosity, behind your post, comes from.

Dave's problem

Cheers
Kim

If there is one thing that is consistent in my life

2008-08-07T18:22:00.005+01:00

its my pussy cats.

I know a lot of people do not like cats and I agree, there are some nasty cats out there. But that is usually a result of nasty owners who have teased them. My cats are lovely. Very gentle, easy going and loving - to me anyway.

My cats have me in hysterics sometimes. Like the other night.

They are all in, all 3 of them, lazily dozing on the floor, close to me. I like sitting on the floor and very rarely actually sit on the settee.

So I'm watching telly and the cats are sleeping when I have to move my leg, its starting to ache. So I move it but in the process my legs hits the floor and makes a noise. The silence in the room is shattered and this slight noise scares the shit out of the cats who, as quick as a flash, all jump up and head for the top of the stairs. In their combined panic they reach the top of the stairs at the same time and collide with each other, which scares the crap out of them even more and one by one they all tumble down the stairs, bang, bang, bang, bang. They shoot through the kitchen then I just hear the cat flap go one, two, three times as they escape into the garden.

And I'm still just sitting there, pissing myself laughing, wondering who farted.

You really had to be there to appreciate how funny this is, made me laugh anyway.

Superdrug are now stocking make-up for men......

2008-08-07T17:41:00.003+01:00

Men can now wear their very own guyliner and manscara - I kid you not.

On tv the other morning they were going around asking the average guy in the street what they thought about men wearing make up. One chap said, 'Why shouldn't men wear make up it it enhances their looks, after all, women have been doing it for year'.

Why not? Why not?

Because make up does not enhance a mans look, it makes them look like a POOF. I used to think Russell Brand was gay, until I read about all his sexual exploits - with women - in the papers.

I'm all for men using moisturisers etc, if that's what they want to do. Nothing wrong with a guy taking care of his skin. But if a man turned up for a date with me wearing guyliner, after rolling on the floor with laughter, I would refuse to be seen out with him.

Its funny really because make up for men is not a new phenomena. I remember in the 80's a lot of the male pop artists wore make up. Steve Strange, Boy George, Marc Almond, to name but a few. When I first saw Boy George on Top of the Pops, I did think he was very (Steve) Strange. But then it soon became the norm amongst pop stars during that era. I think it was just a new fad going around and also saw the advent of the Goth and futuristic look.

I really hope men wearing make up does not catch on - its horrid. I don't even like the haircuts men have been wearing in recent years. All that flicked back, feathering into the face nonsense is too girly for my liking.

The argument..........

2008-08-07T14:35:00.003+01:00

I had an argument with my neighbour last week - it was something and nothing really. A few years ago I had my garden completely renovated - it was a mess. I also put a new fence up along my side as the old one was knackered.

The first four panels were 6ft, as I wanted some privacy, but the rest I kept at about 3ft high because I did not want the boxed in feeling. Plus out the back I have good views over Dartford, so its nice and open and I'm not overlooked. I think most of us who live along my road appreciate the views, despite the fact they are not picturess.

I also put up some trellis instead of fencing, so I could grow something up against it - I think that always looks nice. However around the small bit of trellis I have - its about 3ft high and rests on a small wall, there is no soil near by, so I grew some honeysuckle in a pot. It wasn't really big enough for the plant to really take though and the end result was rather poor and didn't really give good coverage over the trellis. So last week I decided to put some willow screening up against it. Just to maintain a bit of privacy in my garden.

My neighbour then came out and I asked him what he thought of it. He asked me if I was looking for an argument and I said, 'no, why'? He then goes on about the fact I have ruined his view. Its such a small piece of trellis I was a bit taken aback. The view he is referring to is on of Matalan, in the distance, so not a great view. According to him I had taken away half of his view from his garden. Utter nonsense.

So I politely reminded him that it was my side of the fence and I could have in fact put a 6ft fence all down that side had I wanted to, but didn't - which would have effected his view a lot more. And I also said that I was entitled to some privacy. Plus he seemed oblivious to the fact that the idea of trellis is to grow something up against it, so if this plan had succeeded his view , from that angle, would have gone anyway.

It wasn't a bad argument or anything. But he then added, after this disagreement continued for a bit ,''well, as long as you get your own way, that's ok isn't it', and 'I'm not surprised you are not married and you live on your own if this is the way you carry on'.

Bit out of order really - I hate it when people get personal. I mean, he's single as well - divorced, but I would never take in upon myself to give my personal analysis of why he is not with anyone. I could very easily do so, but getting personal is not something I like to do. Once something is said you cannot take it back, no matter how much you try and back track or claim it was only a joke.

It really struck home to me though how spiteful men can be. We all like to think that women are the bitchy ones and that's probably correct, we are or can very easily be. But I think women are more likely to say things behind a persons back, rather than to their face.

My last boyfriend could be quite spiteful. A few comments I received from him during our brief acquaintance were.

Keep on taking the medication, you obviously need it. (in referance to meds I need to take, which I told him in confidence and because I trusted him)

You're just a prostitute (wow, not heard that one before).

I never took you that seriously anyway. I was only in it for the sex to be honest. (said after I turned down the opportunity to meet up with him and discuss getting back together again).

None of the above bothered me - I'm made of tougher stuff than that. I think it says more about the person using this method to 'get at someone' than it does about the person being, 'got at'.

Oh great.........APRIL SHOWERS

2008-08-07T12:52:00.002+01:00

I love the summer, but I hate it when its summer time and you do not get 'summer weather'. I'd rather fast forward to winter now. At least you know where you stand in the winter. If its cold, you expect it, so no hardship there. But if you are lucky and get a few nice days its a pleasant surprise and you can enjoy it.

I think Autumn is swiftly becoming my favourite time of year in this country. The last couple of Autumns have been rather nice and we have had some unusually lovely weather in September -often of a better quality that what we get in the summer.

I did rather enjoy yesterday evenings thunder storm though. All that lovely thunder and lightening - love it.